A few weeks ago I was asking God why a certain man wasn't able to see how wonderful I was. It wasn't that I wanted him like I had before it was more of confusion on my part. I have finally begun to realize how fantastic this woman that God is creating in me is becoming. I wanted to know why this man couldn't see it. I share my heart with him, what God is doing in my life and my hopes and dreams. I don't share them hoping that he will come around to see my greatness like before but I share because I feel comfortable and we have gotten to a point in the friendship where I feel it is beneficial. We are brother and sister in Christ and I feel we should all be sharing with each other in this way. However, I still wanted to know why he wasn't able to see this. God told me something that I know came from Him. I have never had this thought, it never occurred to me with this man in the past 3 years or with anyone else. God told me: "I don't want him to, I am blinding him." WOW! It was amazing. It has hit me a few times that it's not me and blase blase but this solidified it. With my upcoming Israel trip and opportunity to possibly intern in NYC with Chosen People Ministries it hit me. I wouldn't be doing any of these things because had that man have seen me the way I wanted him to I would be in a completely different situation than now. I have freedom to move as God wants me to. I have the ability to get up and go just as He told Moses. This is exciting. All those times we single people wonder why in the world we have been put in this place? What is wrong with us? Why don't we have someone to love us? Someone to hold us tight at night or caress our faces in the morning sun. This is why. Papa has other plans. I do believe that it will come. I have full faith that He knows when we can't protect our own hearts and therefore He will. I prayed for 2 years with this man that God would protect my heart and I didn't know why I continued to be "heartbroken" over him, why I cried so many tears. I now see. God was protecting my heart by blinding him. God doesn't promise to protect us from all things that will give us heartache but I do believe that if we ask Him He will protect us from things that would pull us out of our niche with Him. I want more than ever to make Him smile. I also want to further his kingdom, return His people to the garden.
God has been speaking to my heart lately and I'm not sure if this is where He wants me or not but I am feeling that He may be calling me to ministry through worship. This is an area I feel not at all qualified for but my heart tells me that may be a good thing. When we don't feel qualified for something all our success points back to Him and I think He LOVES that! I had a friend whom also volunteers at Upstreet tell me a few weeks ago that, "I shine on stage. That is my niche." I gave no thought to what he said at the time, but some other things have happened and I am praying more and more about this. I don't feel like I am a "singer". I don't feel talented enough for this task. I read a Steven Curtis Chapman earlier today that said, "Dare to do something so great it be doomed to failure unless God be in it" This would be a huge dare and definitely doomed to failure based on my own abilities. We will see though. I emailed the leader of eXperience Israel (the trip I will be going on this summer) and he said that there is always a need for worship leaders in Messianic churches. Maybe God is putting all these pieces together and I am seeing it or just maybe it is all for something that hasn't even been shown to me yet. Either way I am so excited to see what it is He is doing and where we are headed!
