Friday, January 23, 2009
Just when ya thought. . . . .
Before the holidays I went on a date with a boy that I thought was so great. I met him at church, he talked about his heart and everything seemed to line up. Well after a great date this boy never called. Never sent a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year text message. . . nothing. I was bummed. I was definitely not expecting it. A few weeks after the date I sent a text message and he didn't know my number. . bad sign. I again was super bummed. The church I go to began a series called, "Balanced" and it is all about being financially balanced. After the first sermon in the series something clicked in my heart. I am an unbalanced person when it comes to finances. I can't enter a marriage much less a relationship being like this. My priorities are not straight and I don't want to carry that into anything else that I do. Papa wants to use me but I am in financial chains that only allow me to do so much for Him. That week I started Dave Ramsey class and I have begun to assess my debt and am taking the proper avenues to rid myself of the chains. But back to the boy, the other evening I got a series of texts from him. They seemed strange and not really like "him". I was really confused. The guy texting me seemed a little "jerkish". The next day the text messages turned to topics that I am too classy to discuss and jokes that I don't find humourous at all. I was completely dumbfounded by this guy. He seemed SO GREAT! I mean it was one of the best first dates I have EVER been on. I was left really confused. After the last distasteful joke came thru on my phone I picked up the phone and called him. I thought for sure someone else had his phone, there was no way this was the same guy. Well, I was wrong. I was pissed, he stumbled for a few words. It was a short conversation in which I stated to please not send me texts like that, I do not appreciate it and I meant when I said I was classier than that. He apologized and that was that. I'm over the initial aspect of it, but what keeps going through my mind is that I was so blinded by what I wanted to see that I probably overlooked a lot of stuff. The thing that clicked in my heart at that sermon was that I was so incredibly obsessed with getting married, "finding the one". This stuff is important sure, but it's not IT. I decided on that Sunday that I'm not dating for serious relationships or marriage. Dating for me right now has to be all about meeting people and becoming comfortable in these situations. I trust Papa now more than ever. He knows everyone's heart. While I don't think that this boy is a bad person or has a bad heart I know that his heart is not what Papa would have for me. I am so grateful to have a Heavenly Father that is keeping my best in mind when dealing with me. He wants me to progress, to become the woman He imagined when He was designing me. He knows me better than I know myself and he knows the heart of each person I associate with. He knows which friendships are best for me as well as which dating relationships. I am so grateful that He has me here waiting. I am learning to love the waiting place, He is in control here and I am so out of control and I couldn't be happier or more optimistic in resting in that. When life seems uneventful and drab I know that it is all working together for His good.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thoughts and Realizations
24.5 hours:
Yesterday at 11:00PM I was lying on Lindz’s couch drifting into sleep when it hit me. All these years, I have wondered why in the world I am attracted to older men, why I have a list of bad relationships and why I delight in the idea of everyone wanting me. I always thought that I had the perfect childhood, strong parents and instilled values. But then why did I melt the first time I felt love from a man, why was I not able to see it for what it was. Why did I struggle with giving what wasn’t mine to give in order to receive what was never attainable. How did the twinkle in his eye twist into the idea of him pursuing my soul? I never thought that I had father issues until last night at 11pm. Why was I so quick to redeem my honour and dignity to them? I was as a rabbit who has been shot and is just waiting for the dogs to find her. It must have been so easy, I didn’t even require the right words or the right dinner or date. Acknowledging this is so hard for me, I like to think that I was just trying to find who I was and was seriously misled in that stage of life but I am forced to see it goes further. There was something that the little girl inside of me was desperately missing. When I was growing up later in my teenage years I remember constantly being at odds with my parents, a mother is one thing and quite expectable for a daughter to fight against but a father is different. I wanted so badly for my dad to love me for me. I don’t think I ever noticed this desire. But last night lying on the couch thinking about this I just began to cry and even writing this now I can’t see the screen through my tears. Last night two events from my childhood kept running through my head, I had remembered them my whole life but this time they came into context with the rest of my life. I remembered on the night I decided to quit basketball that amidst my crying and being upset about what had occurred that day at practice the thing my father said to me was,”you know you’ll gain weight.” At the time I probably didn’t think anything of it seeing that I wanted to be the twinkle in my fathers eye. I also remembered another time when my father said I looked “heavy” in an outfit I had on. Truth be told I had gotten heavy after I quit basketball. Through this though I learned that I am only beautiful and accepted if I am thin. This became a huge struggle for me and I have never been able to get as thin as I was during basketball in 10th grade. I have carried this weight around with me as a scar, as a protection. I by no means am fat anymore but I still can’t seem to get off these few extra pounds. Adrian said to me one time that I look at my weight all wrong, I don’t think he had any idea what he was beginning to uncover. I told him one night, “who could ever love me looking like this.” Acknowledging that I said that is so embarrassing because I truly believe that. My father never accepted me for who I was at that moment. I believe that he would rather say I was a drug addict than fat. I have adopted this belief that unless I am perfect on the outside that I am unlovable. This is why I am constantly attracted to older men, they are father figures to me, if they accept me maybe they will fill that hole within me, that acceptance I so crave. I could never tell my father any of this because he doesn’t believe in all that self awareness, therapist mumbo jumbo. But it’s true to me. Whenever anyone speaks about fathers speaking beauty and truth into their daughters, my soul crumbles. I so needed that. I remember my dad telling me in 8th grade that if I continued to act like that no man would ever want to marry me, he thought I was a bitch, a word my dad has used pretty much my whole life to explain my strong willed personality. Writing that just now was one of the hardest,painful realizations. My father would take no responsibility for any of this. I don’t think he realizes, I don’t think most fathers realize the impact they have on their daughters lives. They are the first men we encounter a relationship with. They teach us how to be loved by a man. I don’t know how to be accepted for who I truly am by a man because of this. I have always wondered why I picked unavailable men and now I know, I am terrified of someone seeing who I really am and then realizing not only am I not perfect but I’m too much. I always new this but now I know why. I wish so badly that I could show my father that I am a vulnerable little girl that is damaged because of his weakness. This of course is not all his fault but I feel that I am responding to what I have learned. I wish my dad even knew who I really was, what makes me happy, what breaks my heart, what makes me passionate, what makes me laugh uncontrollably, what my true self is. I don’t know that this will ever be possible but I am learning that God thinks I am wonderful just as I am. He loves me when I am least desirable and when I am at my best. He sees my soul, he revels in me. He is forever proud of me, he loves watching me perform on stage, he loves listening to me cry out my hearts desires and wounds. God is strong when every man in my life is weak. God can heal my heart and give me what I lack, that has become my prayer. He is good all the time, He has stolen my heart and gives me my joy. He accepts me for who I am right at this moment. All I can do is pray that God will heal my heart and give strength and joy to my dad. I urge every man who has a daughter to tell her everyday how wonderful she is just as she is. That he loves her for who she is right now. That she has worth. Dads, you have no idea the impacts you have on your little girls lives.
Yesterday at 11:00PM I was lying on Lindz’s couch drifting into sleep when it hit me. All these years, I have wondered why in the world I am attracted to older men, why I have a list of bad relationships and why I delight in the idea of everyone wanting me. I always thought that I had the perfect childhood, strong parents and instilled values. But then why did I melt the first time I felt love from a man, why was I not able to see it for what it was. Why did I struggle with giving what wasn’t mine to give in order to receive what was never attainable. How did the twinkle in his eye twist into the idea of him pursuing my soul? I never thought that I had father issues until last night at 11pm. Why was I so quick to redeem my honour and dignity to them? I was as a rabbit who has been shot and is just waiting for the dogs to find her. It must have been so easy, I didn’t even require the right words or the right dinner or date. Acknowledging this is so hard for me, I like to think that I was just trying to find who I was and was seriously misled in that stage of life but I am forced to see it goes further. There was something that the little girl inside of me was desperately missing. When I was growing up later in my teenage years I remember constantly being at odds with my parents, a mother is one thing and quite expectable for a daughter to fight against but a father is different. I wanted so badly for my dad to love me for me. I don’t think I ever noticed this desire. But last night lying on the couch thinking about this I just began to cry and even writing this now I can’t see the screen through my tears. Last night two events from my childhood kept running through my head, I had remembered them my whole life but this time they came into context with the rest of my life. I remembered on the night I decided to quit basketball that amidst my crying and being upset about what had occurred that day at practice the thing my father said to me was,”you know you’ll gain weight.” At the time I probably didn’t think anything of it seeing that I wanted to be the twinkle in my fathers eye. I also remembered another time when my father said I looked “heavy” in an outfit I had on. Truth be told I had gotten heavy after I quit basketball. Through this though I learned that I am only beautiful and accepted if I am thin. This became a huge struggle for me and I have never been able to get as thin as I was during basketball in 10th grade. I have carried this weight around with me as a scar, as a protection. I by no means am fat anymore but I still can’t seem to get off these few extra pounds. Adrian said to me one time that I look at my weight all wrong, I don’t think he had any idea what he was beginning to uncover. I told him one night, “who could ever love me looking like this.” Acknowledging that I said that is so embarrassing because I truly believe that. My father never accepted me for who I was at that moment. I believe that he would rather say I was a drug addict than fat. I have adopted this belief that unless I am perfect on the outside that I am unlovable. This is why I am constantly attracted to older men, they are father figures to me, if they accept me maybe they will fill that hole within me, that acceptance I so crave. I could never tell my father any of this because he doesn’t believe in all that self awareness, therapist mumbo jumbo. But it’s true to me. Whenever anyone speaks about fathers speaking beauty and truth into their daughters, my soul crumbles. I so needed that. I remember my dad telling me in 8th grade that if I continued to act like that no man would ever want to marry me, he thought I was a bitch, a word my dad has used pretty much my whole life to explain my strong willed personality. Writing that just now was one of the hardest,painful realizations. My father would take no responsibility for any of this. I don’t think he realizes, I don’t think most fathers realize the impact they have on their daughters lives. They are the first men we encounter a relationship with. They teach us how to be loved by a man. I don’t know how to be accepted for who I truly am by a man because of this. I have always wondered why I picked unavailable men and now I know, I am terrified of someone seeing who I really am and then realizing not only am I not perfect but I’m too much. I always new this but now I know why. I wish so badly that I could show my father that I am a vulnerable little girl that is damaged because of his weakness. This of course is not all his fault but I feel that I am responding to what I have learned. I wish my dad even knew who I really was, what makes me happy, what breaks my heart, what makes me passionate, what makes me laugh uncontrollably, what my true self is. I don’t know that this will ever be possible but I am learning that God thinks I am wonderful just as I am. He loves me when I am least desirable and when I am at my best. He sees my soul, he revels in me. He is forever proud of me, he loves watching me perform on stage, he loves listening to me cry out my hearts desires and wounds. God is strong when every man in my life is weak. God can heal my heart and give me what I lack, that has become my prayer. He is good all the time, He has stolen my heart and gives me my joy. He accepts me for who I am right at this moment. All I can do is pray that God will heal my heart and give strength and joy to my dad. I urge every man who has a daughter to tell her everyday how wonderful she is just as she is. That he loves her for who she is right now. That she has worth. Dads, you have no idea the impacts you have on your little girls lives.
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Sound of Curses
Tonight I had the wonderful opportunity to audition for the Sound of Music. Let me preface all of this by saying that this musical must be cursed for me. This is my Lady M. I attempted years ago to sing the song, My Favourite Things for an audition in NYC. I couldn't remember any of the lyrics and failed miserably however, my personality caused the director to call me and tell me that he thought I was so wonderful that they had created a part just for me. I wasn't able to take the part in, Saddam - The Musical. BUT fast forward to this evening where I am auditioning for the part of Maria in The Sound of Curses and lo and behold I awake to a terrible sore throat as well as a stuffy head. On top of being sick I get the chance to audition in front of a guy whom I dated for a short but intense time. I couldn't remember the words, I couldn't hear the melody and I felt as if I were swimming in my own head. It was absolutely horrible. I have a wonderful friend who drove me to the audition seeing my car is on the outs at the present moment. We left and got mexican and margaritas after I shed a few tears and some self deprecation. I had a moment where I thought, "what am I doing?" I mean I am sure that this is where God wants me, I have been marked, but what am I doing? I caught myself saying to a friend a couple weeks ago that, "God better have something great around the corner for me." The truth is, He doesn't have to. He doesn't have to do anything and the only thing I really need Him to do is love me through all my junk and forgive me and live limited in His knowledge when dealing with me. He doesn't have to give me anything. I want to be completely content in knowing that. If I don't get my Broadway career and I spend the rest of my life here on earth trying to figure out how to love Him honestly and completely that is really okay. I want to be really okay with that. If he never clears my face up or allows my heart to love a man that is okay. He is my papa and my time on earth is so limited to the time that I will get to spend in His presence. I want every moment here to be working towards that relationship with Him. I want to know what it is like to love Him with all of my being. I'm not sure I will ever attain that but I do know that by trying I get closer each moment. God has sent some truly amazing people into my life to teach me things and for them I am so very grateful. From the absolutely wonderful 3 year old and her father that give me an idea of how God loves us to my friend's mother whom is sick and I've never met, they are all showing me what it is to truly live - to be organic in this moment. When I look back upon my life when it is all coming to a close will I remember this terrible experience at an audition or will I remember the smile of a friend, will I remember all the rejection that comes in life or all the wonderful roles I have had the opportunity to play. I like that when we look back at things we tend to remember the good and forget the bad. This evening will soon be a faded memory and lost somewhere in my long term but the feelings that great friends bring on will last a lifetime. I can walk, I can sing, I can dance, I can feel. I am alive and I am loved desperately.
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