If Grace is an Ocean we're all sinking!

God is so mysterious and amazing in the ways that He works. Earlier today I was on set for an industrial and got done earlier so I stopped by a coffee shop and was thinking of what to write in my blog seeing as I thought it was time for a new one. There is plenty going on that I would want or need to talk about but the one thing that has really been on my mind is my tongue. I mean not only my language but the junk that is laying waste in my heart and often times gets pushed out by my tongue. Verbal diarrhea. I recently got another tattoo on my foot that says, "How beautiful are the feet. . . Isa 52:7-10
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger bringing good news, Breaking the news that all's well,
proclaiming good times, announcing salvation, telling Zion, "Your God reigns!" Voices! Listen! Your scouts are shouting, thunderclap shouts, shouting in joyful unison. They see with their own eyes God coming back to Zion. Break into song! Boom it out, ruins of Jerusalem: "God has comforted his people! He's redeemed Jerusalem!" God has rolled up his sleeves.
All the nations can see his holy, muscled arm. Everyone, from one end of the earth to the other, sees him at work, doing his salvation work. THE MESSAGE version
I take these verses to mean so many things but in the area of my tongue I feel that it's not just my drop of the f bomb or my occasional curse word but it is the junk that lies in my heart. The jealousy, the egotism, the insecurities, this list goes on. This is the stuff I truly have to take a look at. I was going to write all of this as I was sitting at Brooklyn Bagel company when my computer battery died. I decided to stop by the Mac store and check on fixing my Iphone and than on back to Hiawassee. I got all the way to the dead end of 400 and then over to where it connects to 129, there is a produce stand I have passed by tons of times, Farmhouse Produce. Their slogan is, Almost famous, No awards yet! I pulled over to check the gmap app to see if there was a shortcut I had never discovered. That is when it happened, my car began steaming. WHAT! I just got through putting a ton of money into this car so that I could pay it off, get out of debt and do the Dave Ramsey no car payment for the next one. I had just been talking to a friend of mine earlier about how I was glad that I had just fixed it instead of buying a new car, seeing as how I'm leaving for Israel in July and NYC in September and would like to either have my car paid off or sold before this change of scenery. Then this happens, at that moment I felt there were two ways to handle this, getting really mad and poor poor pitiful me or I could accept the situation, assess it and deal. After all getting irate or feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to change a thing. So I went with the latter and called my dad explained the situation and decided to wait an hour before I poured water into the radiator. I walked over to the gentlemen who were working and told them of my situation and that I would have to let my car sit there and cool off and I apologized it was on their property. The 2 guys and the couple were so wonderful about it. I went into the store and bought a coke in a glass bottle and some peanuts (you pour the peanuts into the coke - it's awesome) and bottled cokes have to high fructose devil corn syrup either! I sat outside and talked to the guys for awhile, they were having lunch and offered me a tomato sandwich and helped me kill the time. I sat there and realized that a. I had been strategically placed in that moment. I stopped by the Apple store and got off set at just the right time to be there for that moment. b. The situation with my car was telling me something. My car broke down a few months ago and it took so much money to put back into it. The thing that cost so much was my head gasket had cracked and I had to replace the whole top of the engine. The root of the problem was the radiator. However, I never replaced the radiator, I just kept patching it up and refilling it. (any mechanic reading this is shaking their head disapprovingly, or any guy for that matter!) But this happening today got me thinking about my tongue. My tongue is the head gasket sure it gets me into a lot of trouble and a few times has cost me a great deal in situations and friendships but the true root of the problem here is my heart. I can fix all the other stuff but if I keep patching up what the root of the problem is I'm just gonna have another blow out again. Sure it might not be as expensive and it might be a slow gradual procession that lands me in the mechanic shop with my credit card but it will in the end definitely cost me something. So this is where I begin to assess my heart. What is it in me that is making me want to comment about that girls outfit, be negative about a situation or laugh at that off colour joke or even worse repeat it. It all stems from my need to be accepted. I think as humans we all have this need to be loved and adored by the people around us and if that means letting go and compromising parts of our heart we will. We were created to be loved and adored and that is exactly what our Heavenly Father wants to do. We just have to be open to allowing that love to consume our hearts and fining our identity in His son. That is where my joy comes from. That is where my purpose lies. Not in my car, my iphone or my idea of success but at the cross. I am just now at 26 almost 27 years old beginning to see how much He truly loves us. It is breathtaking. I am constantly being reminded and bowled over by His ability to love me past my fears and failures. Our God is truly an awesome God. He has been teaching me so much lately and I am so blessed to live by grace. I am so excited for the things that He is harvesting in my heart and the places He is taking me. I am so excited about the adventure that God and I will share in these next few months with Israel and the internship in NYC. I have no idea where I will find myself in January but I am certain that it will be closer to His embrace and more in touch with my heart and it's desires.

Hallel yah!

A few weeks ago I was asking God why a certain man wasn't able to see how wonderful I was. It wasn't that I wanted him like I had before it was more of confusion on my part. I have finally begun to realize how fantastic this woman that God is creating in me is becoming. I wanted to know why this man couldn't see it. I share my heart with him, what God is doing in my life and my hopes and dreams. I don't share them hoping that he will come around to see my greatness like before but I share because I feel comfortable and we have gotten to a point in the friendship where I feel it is beneficial. We are brother and sister in Christ and I feel we should all be sharing with each other in this way. However, I still wanted to know why he wasn't able to see this. God told me something that I know came from Him. I have never had this thought, it never occurred to me with this man in the past 3 years or with anyone else. God told me: "I don't want him to, I am blinding him." WOW! It was amazing. It has hit me a few times that it's not me and blase blase but this solidified it. With my upcoming Israel trip and opportunity to possibly intern in NYC with Chosen People Ministries it hit me. I wouldn't be doing any of these things because had that man have seen me the way I wanted him to I would be in a completely different situation than now. I have freedom to move as God wants me to. I have the ability to get up and go just as He told Moses. This is exciting. All those times we single people wonder why in the world we have been put in this place? What is wrong with us? Why don't we have someone to love us? Someone to hold us tight at night or caress our faces in the morning sun. This is why. Papa has other plans. I do believe that it will come. I have full faith that He knows when we can't protect our own hearts and therefore He will. I prayed for 2 years with this man that God would protect my heart and I didn't know why I continued to be "heartbroken" over him, why I cried so many tears. I now see. God was protecting my heart by blinding him. God doesn't promise to protect us from all things that will give us heartache but I do believe that if we ask Him He will protect us from things that would pull us out of our niche with Him. I want more than ever to make Him smile. I also want to further his kingdom, return His people to the garden.

God has been speaking to my heart lately and I'm not sure if this is where He wants me or not but I am feeling that He may be calling me to ministry through worship. This is an area I feel not at all qualified for but my heart tells me that may be a good thing. When we don't feel qualified for something all our success points back to Him and I think He LOVES that! I had a friend whom also volunteers at Upstreet tell me a few weeks ago that, "I shine on stage. That is my niche." I gave no thought to what he said at the time, but some other things have happened and I am praying more and more about this. I don't feel like I am a "singer". I don't feel talented enough for this task. I read a Steven Curtis Chapman earlier today that said, "Dare to do something so great it be doomed to failure unless God be in it" This would be a huge dare and definitely doomed to failure based on my own abilities. We will see though. I emailed the leader of eXperience Israel (the trip I will be going on this summer) and he said that there is always a need for worship leaders in Messianic churches. Maybe God is putting all these pieces together and I am seeing it or just maybe it is all for something that hasn't even been shown to me yet. Either way I am so excited to see what it is He is doing and where we are headed!

When It Seem as if God Has Forgotten You. . . .

I googled "When it feels God has forgotten you + scripture" I got a few passages in Isaiah, Ezekiel, 1John, Romans and Hebrews as well as my favourite Psalm 13. I continued to cry out to God and read these passages. Before I came downstairs to read and after I sent an email to two of my friends, I prayed that He would just speak to me and tell me something because I felt lost and alone and tired. I know all the promises to Israel that He has fulfilled and continues to keep. What I feel like I didn't know was the promises He has made me. I want to know what to go after, what my heart should want. After I read these passages He began speaking to my heart, he told me to write it down. This is it:
I am creating this woman in you who will be strong and courageous and able to fight temptation. You are mine and I love you more than there are sands on the earth or stars in the sky. You are my chosen one. You stand before me and cry and I hear you, my heart breaks with yours. Find peace in my scriptures and hold fast. I know you are weary and the enemy attacks you but my plans for you outshine all of this. Just as I have kept my promises to Israel I will deliver you. I am not here to tease or ridicule you. You are here to grow in strength for these plans. You will be a butterfly. He has much struggle before he can flourish. Look to me for strength and I will reward you 10x's beyond your hearts desires. Be content with what little I have given you and I will give you multitudes more.

This was monumental to me. Right after God told me this one of my friends replied to the email I had sent. She spoke about pouring myself into things and that as G-d's children we are able to pour ourselves into anything we would like some are beneficial some are not. She told me that if scripture doesn't speak against it we should not feel guilty or ashamed for pouring our lives into it. She told me that if I wanted to pour myself into acting I should and that it's okay, it will be difficult but that is the business. She asked me if I would be okay with not knowing if I could have done it. If I could live with that. I can't. I knew in my heart I couldn't. I know that my work does not define me but I also know that this is the way God has given me passion. I am not a mistake nor is any part of my being. He has a plan a very distinct plan for me and my life. I want only to follow that plan, even if it means only sharing my joys with Him. This is such a short time on earth. Even as I write this my eyes cloud up because I don't want to be alone, but I do want to please my Father. I am so blessed to have amazing friends in my life and have no idea what I would be doing if they were not here. God has placed them where they are for a reason in the exact circumstances of their situation, I believe He has done that for each one of us. His sovereignty doesn't scare me in the sense of debilitating fear but I suppose more in the idea of a healthy fear of the Lord. We are His and He will do as He pleases, no one can say, "what have you done?" (daniel 4:35) I know that right before spring there seems to be nothing going on, because it is all going on underneath the surface but then spring happens and everything blooms. I am so in that dormant phase right now in life and am awaiting the metaphorical spring. I trust that He will provide and that He has plans that far outshine my ideas. Song of Solomon 6:3 says, I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, he browses among the lilies.
Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary explains it as:
3. In speaking of Jesus Christ to others, she regains her own assurance. Literally, "I am for my beloved . for me." Reverse order from So 2:16. She now, after the season of darkness, grounds her convictions on His love towards her, more than on hers towards Him (De 33:3). There, it was the young believer concluding that she was His, from the sensible assurance that He was hers.
I belong to Jesus I have been purchased with the price of the Fathers son and how could I ever be forgotten? The Bible says in Isaiah 49:16 that, Behold, I have graven [tattooed] thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls [hands] are continually before me. In Eastern cultures the way to show your deep love and continual remembrance for someone was to engrave or tattoo their names on your body and to give gifts to people you loved slightly. G-d says that He has engraved our names on his palms a very painful spot as well as a place that is rarely covered by clothing. He can constantly see our names. I also believe that this is significant in the holes in Jesus' hands. My sins are forgotten and I am remembered by the holes in my Savior's hands. The amount of love G-d has for me puts the stars in the sky to shame and the sands of the earth to seem like an hourglass. My human heart still wants the things that my spirit struggles against but to know that I am loved through grace, mercy and limited knowledge of my failures settles my spirit. I have a personal relationship with G-d through the blood of His son and I could not be more remembered because of it

Just when ya thought. . . . .

Before the holidays I went on a date with a boy that I thought was so great. I met him at church, he talked about his heart and everything seemed to line up. Well after a great date this boy never called. Never sent a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year text message. . . nothing. I was bummed. I was definitely not expecting it. A few weeks after the date I sent a text message and he didn't know my number. . bad sign. I again was super bummed. The church I go to began a series called, "Balanced" and it is all about being financially balanced. After the first sermon in the series something clicked in my heart. I am an unbalanced person when it comes to finances. I can't enter a marriage much less a relationship being like this. My priorities are not straight and I don't want to carry that into anything else that I do. Papa wants to use me but I am in financial chains that only allow me to do so much for Him. That week I started Dave Ramsey class and I have begun to assess my debt and am taking the proper avenues to rid myself of the chains. But back to the boy, the other evening I got a series of texts from him. They seemed strange and not really like "him". I was really confused. The guy texting me seemed a little "jerkish". The next day the text messages turned to topics that I am too classy to discuss and jokes that I don't find humourous at all. I was completely dumbfounded by this guy. He seemed SO GREAT! I mean it was one of the best first dates I have EVER been on. I was left really confused. After the last distasteful joke came thru on my phone I picked up the phone and called him. I thought for sure someone else had his phone, there was no way this was the same guy. Well, I was wrong. I was pissed, he stumbled for a few words. It was a short conversation in which I stated to please not send me texts like that, I do not appreciate it and I meant when I said I was classier than that. He apologized and that was that. I'm over the initial aspect of it, but what keeps going through my mind is that I was so blinded by what I wanted to see that I probably overlooked a lot of stuff. The thing that clicked in my heart at that sermon was that I was so incredibly obsessed with getting married, "finding the one". This stuff is important sure, but it's not IT. I decided on that Sunday that I'm not dating for serious relationships or marriage. Dating for me right now has to be all about meeting people and becoming comfortable in these situations. I trust Papa now more than ever. He knows everyone's heart. While I don't think that this boy is a bad person or has a bad heart I know that his heart is not what Papa would have for me. I am so grateful to have a Heavenly Father that is keeping my best in mind when dealing with me. He wants me to progress, to become the woman He imagined when He was designing me. He knows me better than I know myself and he knows the heart of each person I associate with. He knows which friendships are best for me as well as which dating relationships. I am so grateful that He has me here waiting. I am learning to love the waiting place, He is in control here and I am so out of control and I couldn't be happier or more optimistic in resting in that. When life seems uneventful and drab I know that it is all working together for His good.

Thoughts and Realizations

24.5 hours:
Yesterday at 11:00PM I was lying on Lindz’s couch drifting into sleep when it hit me. All these years, I have wondered why in the world I am attracted to older men, why I have a list of bad relationships and why I delight in the idea of everyone wanting me. I always thought that I had the perfect childhood, strong parents and instilled values. But then why did I melt the first time I felt love from a man, why was I not able to see it for what it was. Why did I struggle with giving what wasn’t mine to give in order to receive what was never attainable. How did the twinkle in his eye twist into the idea of him pursuing my soul? I never thought that I had father issues until last night at 11pm. Why was I so quick to redeem my honour and dignity to them? I was as a rabbit who has been shot and is just waiting for the dogs to find her. It must have been so easy, I didn’t even require the right words or the right dinner or date. Acknowledging this is so hard for me, I like to think that I was just trying to find who I was and was seriously misled in that stage of life but I am forced to see it goes further. There was something that the little girl inside of me was desperately missing. When I was growing up later in my teenage years I remember constantly being at odds with my parents, a mother is one thing and quite expectable for a daughter to fight against but a father is different. I wanted so badly for my dad to love me for me. I don’t think I ever noticed this desire. But last night lying on the couch thinking about this I just began to cry and even writing this now I can’t see the screen through my tears. Last night two events from my childhood kept running through my head, I had remembered them my whole life but this time they came into context with the rest of my life. I remembered on the night I decided to quit basketball that amidst my crying and being upset about what had occurred that day at practice the thing my father said to me was,”you know you’ll gain weight.” At the time I probably didn’t think anything of it seeing that I wanted to be the twinkle in my fathers eye. I also remembered another time when my father said I looked “heavy” in an outfit I had on. Truth be told I had gotten heavy after I quit basketball. Through this though I learned that I am only beautiful and accepted if I am thin. This became a huge struggle for me and I have never been able to get as thin as I was during basketball in 10th grade. I have carried this weight around with me as a scar, as a protection. I by no means am fat anymore but I still can’t seem to get off these few extra pounds. Adrian said to me one time that I look at my weight all wrong, I don’t think he had any idea what he was beginning to uncover. I told him one night, “who could ever love me looking like this.” Acknowledging that I said that is so embarrassing because I truly believe that. My father never accepted me for who I was at that moment. I believe that he would rather say I was a drug addict than fat. I have adopted this belief that unless I am perfect on the outside that I am unlovable. This is why I am constantly attracted to older men, they are father figures to me, if they accept me maybe they will fill that hole within me, that acceptance I so crave. I could never tell my father any of this because he doesn’t believe in all that self awareness, therapist mumbo jumbo. But it’s true to me. Whenever anyone speaks about fathers speaking beauty and truth into their daughters, my soul crumbles. I so needed that. I remember my dad telling me in 8th grade that if I continued to act like that no man would ever want to marry me, he thought I was a bitch, a word my dad has used pretty much my whole life to explain my strong willed personality. Writing that just now was one of the hardest,painful realizations. My father would take no responsibility for any of this. I don’t think he realizes, I don’t think most fathers realize the impact they have on their daughters lives. They are the first men we encounter a relationship with. They teach us how to be loved by a man. I don’t know how to be accepted for who I truly am by a man because of this. I have always wondered why I picked unavailable men and now I know, I am terrified of someone seeing who I really am and then realizing not only am I not perfect but I’m too much. I always new this but now I know why. I wish so badly that I could show my father that I am a vulnerable little girl that is damaged because of his weakness. This of course is not all his fault but I feel that I am responding to what I have learned. I wish my dad even knew who I really was, what makes me happy, what breaks my heart, what makes me passionate, what makes me laugh uncontrollably, what my true self is. I don’t know that this will ever be possible but I am learning that God thinks I am wonderful just as I am. He loves me when I am least desirable and when I am at my best. He sees my soul, he revels in me. He is forever proud of me, he loves watching me perform on stage, he loves listening to me cry out my hearts desires and wounds. God is strong when every man in my life is weak. God can heal my heart and give me what I lack, that has become my prayer. He is good all the time, He has stolen my heart and gives me my joy. He accepts me for who I am right at this moment. All I can do is pray that God will heal my heart and give strength and joy to my dad. I urge every man who has a daughter to tell her everyday how wonderful she is just as she is. That he loves her for who she is right now. That she has worth. Dads, you have no idea the impacts you have on your little girls lives.

The Sound of Curses

Tonight I had the wonderful opportunity to audition for the Sound of Music.  Let me preface all of this by saying that this musical must be cursed for me.  This is my Lady M.  I attempted years ago to sing the song, My Favourite Things for an audition in NYC.  I couldn't remember any of the lyrics and failed miserably however, my personality caused the director to call me and tell me that he thought I was so wonderful that they had created a part just for me.  I wasn't able to take the part in, Saddam - The Musical.  BUT fast forward to this evening where I am auditioning for the part of Maria in The Sound of Curses and lo and behold I awake to a terrible sore throat as well as a stuffy head.  On top of being sick I get the chance to audition in front of a guy whom I dated for a short but intense time.  I couldn't remember the words, I couldn't hear the melody and I felt as if I were swimming in my own head.  It was absolutely horrible.  I have a wonderful friend who drove me to the audition seeing my car is on the outs at the present moment.  We left and got mexican and margaritas after I shed a few tears and some self deprecation.  I had a moment where I thought, "what am I doing?"  I mean I am sure that this is where God wants me, I have been marked, but what am I doing?  I caught myself saying to a friend a couple weeks ago that, "God better have something great around the corner for me."  The truth is, He doesn't have to.  He doesn't have to do anything and the only thing I really need Him to do is love me through all my junk and forgive me and live limited in His knowledge when dealing with me.  He doesn't have to give me anything.  I want to be completely content in knowing that.  If I don't get my Broadway career and I spend the rest of my life here on earth trying to figure out how to love Him honestly and completely that is really okay.  I want to be really okay with that.  If he never clears my face up or allows my heart to love a man that is okay.  He is my papa and my time on earth is so limited to the time that I will get to spend in His presence.  I want every moment here to be working towards that relationship with Him.  I want to know what it is like to love Him with all of my being.  I'm not sure I will ever attain that but I do know that by trying I get closer each moment.  God has sent some truly amazing people into my life to teach me things and for them I am so very grateful.  From the absolutely wonderful 3 year old and her father that give me an idea of how God loves us to my friend's mother whom is sick and I've never met, they are all showing me what it is to truly live - to be organic in this moment.  When I look back upon my life when it is all coming to a close will I remember this terrible experience at an audition or will I remember the smile of a friend, will I remember all the rejection that comes in life or all the wonderful roles I have had the opportunity to play.  I like that when we look back at things we tend to remember the good and forget the bad.  This evening will soon be a faded memory and lost somewhere in my long term but the feelings that great friends bring on will last a lifetime.  I can walk, I can sing, I can dance, I can feel.  I am alive and I am loved desperately.