The Sound of Curses

Tonight I had the wonderful opportunity to audition for the Sound of Music.  Let me preface all of this by saying that this musical must be cursed for me.  This is my Lady M.  I attempted years ago to sing the song, My Favourite Things for an audition in NYC.  I couldn't remember any of the lyrics and failed miserably however, my personality caused the director to call me and tell me that he thought I was so wonderful that they had created a part just for me.  I wasn't able to take the part in, Saddam - The Musical.  BUT fast forward to this evening where I am auditioning for the part of Maria in The Sound of Curses and lo and behold I awake to a terrible sore throat as well as a stuffy head.  On top of being sick I get the chance to audition in front of a guy whom I dated for a short but intense time.  I couldn't remember the words, I couldn't hear the melody and I felt as if I were swimming in my own head.  It was absolutely horrible.  I have a wonderful friend who drove me to the audition seeing my car is on the outs at the present moment.  We left and got mexican and margaritas after I shed a few tears and some self deprecation.  I had a moment where I thought, "what am I doing?"  I mean I am sure that this is where God wants me, I have been marked, but what am I doing?  I caught myself saying to a friend a couple weeks ago that, "God better have something great around the corner for me."  The truth is, He doesn't have to.  He doesn't have to do anything and the only thing I really need Him to do is love me through all my junk and forgive me and live limited in His knowledge when dealing with me.  He doesn't have to give me anything.  I want to be completely content in knowing that.  If I don't get my Broadway career and I spend the rest of my life here on earth trying to figure out how to love Him honestly and completely that is really okay.  I want to be really okay with that.  If he never clears my face up or allows my heart to love a man that is okay.  He is my papa and my time on earth is so limited to the time that I will get to spend in His presence.  I want every moment here to be working towards that relationship with Him.  I want to know what it is like to love Him with all of my being.  I'm not sure I will ever attain that but I do know that by trying I get closer each moment.  God has sent some truly amazing people into my life to teach me things and for them I am so very grateful.  From the absolutely wonderful 3 year old and her father that give me an idea of how God loves us to my friend's mother whom is sick and I've never met, they are all showing me what it is to truly live - to be organic in this moment.  When I look back upon my life when it is all coming to a close will I remember this terrible experience at an audition or will I remember the smile of a friend, will I remember all the rejection that comes in life or all the wonderful roles I have had the opportunity to play.  I like that when we look back at things we tend to remember the good and forget the bad.  This evening will soon be a faded memory and lost somewhere in my long term but the feelings that great friends bring on will last a lifetime.  I can walk, I can sing, I can dance, I can feel.  I am alive and I am loved desperately.