Well, I’m back. When I first returned I was so incredibly depressed. My poor mama tried everything to cheer me up. I know that she was so glad to see me but I was just not glad to be back in the states AT ALL! Every time I went to talk about my trip my eyes shined and my heart leaped. I was like a mother talking about her first child sure everyone around her is happy and excited with her but it’s not the same excitement that she shares with the birth of her first child. My poor friends in Israel know this to be true, I called them countless times just to have a piece of that excitement still with me here in the states. People who have had children know this they are so excited about their child that they send pictures and emails and talk about the things their child is doing with such great joy. Those of us without children don’t share in that same level of excitement. That being said when I talk to you, whoever you may be and you ask about my trip. I will probably glaze over and talk as long as you let me about it but I will never be able to convey the emotions and the changes that happened within my heart. So I have learned to turn on my filter.
I started that trip out feeling incredibly inadequate. I have returned feeling like a beautiful woman of God. I am leaps and bounds closer to becoming the woman that God has given me visions of all along. I have been needing an attitude adjustment since I returned. I asked God for the pressure cooker and He has delivered. Every now and then the steam that comes off is overwhelming. Sometimes the steam makes it so hard to see the situation at hand. The reality of the situation not the clouded view. A mentor of mine gave me a sermon to listen to entitled, “A Change of Attitude”. I half listened to it the first time around and found so much anger welling up in me. It wasn’t my fault life just wasn’t fair. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I wasn’t with the people I wanted to be with. I don’t have the things in life that are the desires of my heart. People have said things to me like you have your health and this and that and it could be a lot worse. I don’t like to play that game because if we are not supposed to compare on the greater side of life than we shouldn’t compare on the lesser either. And you know what life is never going to seem fair. There is always someone with more talent, better looks and an “easier” life than you. I think that instead of crying to God about how we don’t have the things we want we should be crying to God for the peace that passes all understanding.
My family is always going to have it’s quirks, people are always going to disappoint me, there will always be things I don’t understand. The goal is to find peace amidst all of this bolygon (chaos). I believe that Yeshua offers a peace that is constant even when my situations are not. I can either choose to accept His peace or I can reject it and complain about how life is not fair. I am so grateful that Yeshua didn’t complain about how unfair life was that He had to die for my sins, even for my ungratefulness how’s that for irony. Instead he pushed through His suffering, accepted His cup and looked to God for His strength. How much more of an example could we ask for. I believe that life will probably never seem fair. There will be moments in life where things seem to just “fit”. However, I believe that most of this journey on earth is a challenge. Some parts are even just plain low grade suffering. I think this is okay.
I am so grateful that when God wants us to get something He inundates us with it. Lately God has really been wanting me to learn how to “choose happiness”. Rabbi Ben told me this while I was in Israel. I have found that usually when someone says something to me and it wells up a ton of resentment and anger in me it is probably just what I needed to hear. Another mentor gave me that sermon to listen to about changing my attitude. By the 3rd time of listening to it I was finally able to get it. The pastor talked about the Israelites in the Exodus. It took them 40 years to get out of the desert but a lifetime to get the desert out of them. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to question God in His decisions. I want to be a willing vessel. He talked about taking the fight out of our sacrifice. I have a hard time, I’m a fighter. I have had to fight for a lot of things in my life. I wonder now looking back how much I actually would have had to fight for if I would have just relaxed and rested in God’s timing.
When it comes to God’s timing I have a hard time accepting that “not right now” doesn’t mean “not ever”. I am a motivated, driven person. When I want something I will go after it and I will fight for it. My career in theatre and film was a huge fight for me. I was constantly fighting for something that I believe now God may have never had a hand in. I think it’s fine for us to put our feelers out into many things. I don’t think it’s right when we fight to force things to happen. The pastor was talking about a little girl who was told to put her toys away and when the babysitters finally made her put them away she said, “I’m putting them away, but I’m putting them away rough.” I do most everything rough with God. I think he created me to be a fighter and I am grateful for this. I am a strong and resilient young lady. However, I think that God sometimes wants to teach us things and bless us and we put up a fight. Those of you with children realize this. You may have something great planned for them but if they won’t put away their toys you can’t bless them with it. If they eat the popsicle now they won’t be hungry for their favourite dinner you have prepared. I believe most of us are 4 year olds when it comes to dealing with God in matters of our hearts. We want to hold on to our blankies when God is standing there quietly with a newer, less smelly one waiting patiently for us to hand it over. God doesn’t play tug of war with us. I feel in the midst of this exchange. I have given him the blankie but continue to find temporary blankies of comfort until I am ready. But I have to go through this temporary uncomfortableness to get ready. We are always finding temporary blankies. We are wired to do this, it’s natural. Perhaps your blankie is a hobby, a career, a substance or a relationship. Our blankies are the things that we can delve into and find solace in albeit temporary.
I was feeling very much like God was giving me these things and then ripping them out of my hands. I have to question my theology when I think that way. God has never worked like that in my past or in the scriptures. God may very well be giving me these things my heart is desiring but maybe just maybe I’m not ready for them. Does this mean I’m always going to be happy and excited about seeing something I want and then having it temporarily taken away from me and out of my control to get back? No! Of course not! What it does mean though is that I will continue to lean onto God so hard that I must be bruising Him. He is my only constant in life and He is drilling that into my heart right now. He is giving me the skill set required for the life He has planned out for me. I believe this is what He wants for me to learn to trust Him even when life says I should be running away and fighting on my own.
I would like to thank the people who mentor me for being real with me. For putting up with me when I seem so far gone. And for giving me “real spiritual food”.
God has already shown me that His plans are better than my own. What in us fights against that and causes us to hold on to the old stinky blanket? I have to trust that God did not show me this country, this life only to tease me with it and make me miserable. That is not the God I read about in the scriptures. Instead I will lean into Him and trust that He will make a way much smoother than the ambush, machete wielding attack my heart wants to make.
May you trust that God is already clearing a path through your life and your heart to get you where He wants you. May you be given God’s eyes to see the situation you are in and may you experience a change of attitude and learn to lose the roughness in your cleanup. May you give up the stinky blanket if only to be blanketless for a few moments in order to receive the incredible blessings our Papa wants to bestow on you.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
House of Blessings
I have had a lot of requests in the past few days for another blog. Lately I have also received a few emails suggesting I write a book or look into journalism. With that pressure this email may wind up a literary disaster. I apologize if you joined this email purely to see pictures of Israel or to hear about what is going on here. If you did indeed join for pictures please feel free to check them out on my facebook page which should be open to the public. www.facebook.com/jessyhollingshead If this doesn’t work let me know and I will find a way to get them to you. If you would like to be removed I ask again for you to send me an email because, I would strongly dislike being that person that fills up your inbox.
Yesterday marked a full four weeks for me here in Israel. During those four weeks God has made some drastic changes in my heart. I struggle to find words to adequately describe what my soul feels so profoundly. When I last wrote I was missing the dynamics that the group offered and questioning my decision to come to Beit Bracha. I was finding it difficult to find my niche which is not a feeling I know well. Beit Bracha means, “House of Blessings” it took my mama pointing this out to me to grab my attention to what was going on. I am being surrounded by blessings some being conceived but some being birthed at this very moment. I am surrounded by active Christians, even prayer warriors.
Christine, is one of the Australian ladies here. She began motivating me to become more specific in my prayer life. I told her that I felt God wasn’t giving me any answers to things that were happening. She asked me if I was asking specific questions. I realized that I haven’t been. I have become so used to being in the waiting room that I completely forgot that I am able to ask God a specific question. I believe that God loves our honest questions.
So on Tuesday I began to get specific. I prefaced my questions with the full knowledge that if I wasn’t at the place to be asking them that He would gently let me know. I also asked that if I wasn’t able to have knowledge of the answer that He would give me peace in my spirit about that. I feel that God was just waiting for me to just ASK! I have a few questions written down in my prayer journal. One of the questions was, “are you proud of me?” I feel that I am striving so hard just to make my Creator smile with my life that I worry so much about “screwing it all up”.
I had also asked God about journalism. One of the gentleman (PHIL!) on my email list had sent me an email back telling me that he thought I was a journalist. This is something that I have toyed with from time to time. I used to think that as an actress becoming a writer would be giving up, settling for a lesser dream. I spoke with my cousin and her husband the other day. Joe told me how he thought I had grasped onto my acting dream for so long that I pushed away other opportunities in the process. I don’t think he is too far off. Writing this blog has helped me realize a tremendous amount of talents and dreams I never knew were there. I stifled so much by clenching my fists onto a dream that had my hand print all over it. I’ve said before that I always wanted to be great at something. I have no ability of being great unless I hold my hand open and allow my Creator to drop His desires and blessings into my palm. By signing everything over to Him a few weeks ago He has allowed me to realize so many things that my heart wants. I never realized that my heart wanted these things. My desires are truly lining up with the plans my Father has for me.
While on the trip I had met journalist and ex CNN reporter, David Dolan. Mr. Dolan has written three books about prophecy. He lines up scripture with what is going on in the world today. He came to speak to the group while we were in Jerusalem. After receiving Phil’s email about journalism it began to feature in my thoughts. I got David’s email address from Justin and sent him a quick email on Wednesday. I told him how I was thinking about going into the field of journalism and I wanted to schedule an informational interview with him to pick his brain and ask for advice. Within an hour from receiving my email he had emailed me back. He said he would be more than happy to set up a phone interview and help me all he could. This man is a published author and successful journalist via CNN and freelancing. I was honoured that he would even consider speaking with me.
After receiving his email I went outside to my balcony and was overwhelmed by a sense of joy and peace. I looked out over the Galilee. The sun has a way of reflecting off of the water that is magnificent. There is a view of the mountains right behind it and Tiberias off to the right. There are palm trees and a small stream in front of my bedroom. This is truly the most beautiful place I have ever been. I felt so engulfed by blessings and God’s love. I don’t deserve any of this from the wind that caresses my face to the sun that shines upon me or the dazzling views that dance in front of my eyes. Nothing in my life would merit the heaps of blessings that my Father is throwing upon me. I truly felt that God was proud of me in that moment. Within one day of asking a specific question He answered in the most intimate way. I realized in that moment that I have let my Lord romance my heart. I’ve never understood that phrase before. It encompasses me now.
I have no idea what God will bring about for me. He keeps telling me that it’s going to be quick. I have asked to be prepared. I began asking six months ago that He would put me in a pressure cooker. I am having a hard time being the potato in the pressure cooker. The potato does no work but allows the pressure cooker to soften it. I am good at being the pressure cooker always going, always doing. God has a new role for me to fill at the moment and it is one that is relaxing in Him. I know that He is faithful. He has shown me every moment I look to Him that He is in control. There is a Brooke Fraser song that says, “for we are not long here, our time is but a breath so we better breathe it, I was meant to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You.”
I am content knowing that God’s plans are ALWAYS better than mine. Per my plan I would be a starving actress in Los Angeles right now with a motorcycle that was way too big for her! I am quite happy that somewhere deep inside my heart was this passion for Israel. I am glad that I submitted to my Father so that He could evict my obsessions and reveal His desires for my life.
If I could ask you to pray for me on a few things. First thing is a situation that may provide a way for me to stay in Israel for another three months possibly longer. Secondly, there is a situation that I am not at liberty to talk about just yet. I would like you to pray for this person and situation. This has grown near and dear to my heart. I am constantly seeking God’s guidance in this and welcome your prayers. I also need prayer in paying a few of the bills that I did not expect having to cover. I assumed that I would be back in the states and working the month of August not still here in Israel serving. I have a need of $560. I have no doubts that God has placed me here and He will provide. I have alters of gratitude written all through my life. I thank you in advance for your prayers.
May you find the places where you have clenched your fists and allow God to loosen the grip and drop blessings into your palms. May you begin to become specific in your prayer life and await our Papa to answer you with the breeze that kisses your neck. May you let the Creator romance your soul in only the way He knows how and may you feel blessed beyond words are capable of describing. May our Saviours love make you speechless.
Yesterday marked a full four weeks for me here in Israel. During those four weeks God has made some drastic changes in my heart. I struggle to find words to adequately describe what my soul feels so profoundly. When I last wrote I was missing the dynamics that the group offered and questioning my decision to come to Beit Bracha. I was finding it difficult to find my niche which is not a feeling I know well. Beit Bracha means, “House of Blessings” it took my mama pointing this out to me to grab my attention to what was going on. I am being surrounded by blessings some being conceived but some being birthed at this very moment. I am surrounded by active Christians, even prayer warriors.
Christine, is one of the Australian ladies here. She began motivating me to become more specific in my prayer life. I told her that I felt God wasn’t giving me any answers to things that were happening. She asked me if I was asking specific questions. I realized that I haven’t been. I have become so used to being in the waiting room that I completely forgot that I am able to ask God a specific question. I believe that God loves our honest questions.
So on Tuesday I began to get specific. I prefaced my questions with the full knowledge that if I wasn’t at the place to be asking them that He would gently let me know. I also asked that if I wasn’t able to have knowledge of the answer that He would give me peace in my spirit about that. I feel that God was just waiting for me to just ASK! I have a few questions written down in my prayer journal. One of the questions was, “are you proud of me?” I feel that I am striving so hard just to make my Creator smile with my life that I worry so much about “screwing it all up”.
I had also asked God about journalism. One of the gentleman (PHIL!) on my email list had sent me an email back telling me that he thought I was a journalist. This is something that I have toyed with from time to time. I used to think that as an actress becoming a writer would be giving up, settling for a lesser dream. I spoke with my cousin and her husband the other day. Joe told me how he thought I had grasped onto my acting dream for so long that I pushed away other opportunities in the process. I don’t think he is too far off. Writing this blog has helped me realize a tremendous amount of talents and dreams I never knew were there. I stifled so much by clenching my fists onto a dream that had my hand print all over it. I’ve said before that I always wanted to be great at something. I have no ability of being great unless I hold my hand open and allow my Creator to drop His desires and blessings into my palm. By signing everything over to Him a few weeks ago He has allowed me to realize so many things that my heart wants. I never realized that my heart wanted these things. My desires are truly lining up with the plans my Father has for me.
While on the trip I had met journalist and ex CNN reporter, David Dolan. Mr. Dolan has written three books about prophecy. He lines up scripture with what is going on in the world today. He came to speak to the group while we were in Jerusalem. After receiving Phil’s email about journalism it began to feature in my thoughts. I got David’s email address from Justin and sent him a quick email on Wednesday. I told him how I was thinking about going into the field of journalism and I wanted to schedule an informational interview with him to pick his brain and ask for advice. Within an hour from receiving my email he had emailed me back. He said he would be more than happy to set up a phone interview and help me all he could. This man is a published author and successful journalist via CNN and freelancing. I was honoured that he would even consider speaking with me.
After receiving his email I went outside to my balcony and was overwhelmed by a sense of joy and peace. I looked out over the Galilee. The sun has a way of reflecting off of the water that is magnificent. There is a view of the mountains right behind it and Tiberias off to the right. There are palm trees and a small stream in front of my bedroom. This is truly the most beautiful place I have ever been. I felt so engulfed by blessings and God’s love. I don’t deserve any of this from the wind that caresses my face to the sun that shines upon me or the dazzling views that dance in front of my eyes. Nothing in my life would merit the heaps of blessings that my Father is throwing upon me. I truly felt that God was proud of me in that moment. Within one day of asking a specific question He answered in the most intimate way. I realized in that moment that I have let my Lord romance my heart. I’ve never understood that phrase before. It encompasses me now.
I have no idea what God will bring about for me. He keeps telling me that it’s going to be quick. I have asked to be prepared. I began asking six months ago that He would put me in a pressure cooker. I am having a hard time being the potato in the pressure cooker. The potato does no work but allows the pressure cooker to soften it. I am good at being the pressure cooker always going, always doing. God has a new role for me to fill at the moment and it is one that is relaxing in Him. I know that He is faithful. He has shown me every moment I look to Him that He is in control. There is a Brooke Fraser song that says, “for we are not long here, our time is but a breath so we better breathe it, I was meant to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You.”
I am content knowing that God’s plans are ALWAYS better than mine. Per my plan I would be a starving actress in Los Angeles right now with a motorcycle that was way too big for her! I am quite happy that somewhere deep inside my heart was this passion for Israel. I am glad that I submitted to my Father so that He could evict my obsessions and reveal His desires for my life.
If I could ask you to pray for me on a few things. First thing is a situation that may provide a way for me to stay in Israel for another three months possibly longer. Secondly, there is a situation that I am not at liberty to talk about just yet. I would like you to pray for this person and situation. This has grown near and dear to my heart. I am constantly seeking God’s guidance in this and welcome your prayers. I also need prayer in paying a few of the bills that I did not expect having to cover. I assumed that I would be back in the states and working the month of August not still here in Israel serving. I have a need of $560. I have no doubts that God has placed me here and He will provide. I have alters of gratitude written all through my life. I thank you in advance for your prayers.
May you find the places where you have clenched your fists and allow God to loosen the grip and drop blessings into your palms. May you begin to become specific in your prayer life and await our Papa to answer you with the breeze that kisses your neck. May you let the Creator romance your soul in only the way He knows how and may you feel blessed beyond words are capable of describing. May our Saviours love make you speechless.
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