Well, I’m back. When I first returned I was so incredibly depressed. My poor mama tried everything to cheer me up. I know that she was so glad to see me but I was just not glad to be back in the states AT ALL! Every time I went to talk about my trip my eyes shined and my heart leaped. I was like a mother talking about her first child sure everyone around her is happy and excited with her but it’s not the same excitement that she shares with the birth of her first child. My poor friends in Israel know this to be true, I called them countless times just to have a piece of that excitement still with me here in the states. People who have had children know this they are so excited about their child that they send pictures and emails and talk about the things their child is doing with such great joy. Those of us without children don’t share in that same level of excitement. That being said when I talk to you, whoever you may be and you ask about my trip. I will probably glaze over and talk as long as you let me about it but I will never be able to convey the emotions and the changes that happened within my heart. So I have learned to turn on my filter.
I started that trip out feeling incredibly inadequate. I have returned feeling like a beautiful woman of God. I am leaps and bounds closer to becoming the woman that God has given me visions of all along. I have been needing an attitude adjustment since I returned. I asked God for the pressure cooker and He has delivered. Every now and then the steam that comes off is overwhelming. Sometimes the steam makes it so hard to see the situation at hand. The reality of the situation not the clouded view. A mentor of mine gave me a sermon to listen to entitled, “A Change of Attitude”. I half listened to it the first time around and found so much anger welling up in me. It wasn’t my fault life just wasn’t fair. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I wasn’t with the people I wanted to be with. I don’t have the things in life that are the desires of my heart. People have said things to me like you have your health and this and that and it could be a lot worse. I don’t like to play that game because if we are not supposed to compare on the greater side of life than we shouldn’t compare on the lesser either. And you know what life is never going to seem fair. There is always someone with more talent, better looks and an “easier” life than you. I think that instead of crying to God about how we don’t have the things we want we should be crying to God for the peace that passes all understanding.
My family is always going to have it’s quirks, people are always going to disappoint me, there will always be things I don’t understand. The goal is to find peace amidst all of this bolygon (chaos). I believe that Yeshua offers a peace that is constant even when my situations are not. I can either choose to accept His peace or I can reject it and complain about how life is not fair. I am so grateful that Yeshua didn’t complain about how unfair life was that He had to die for my sins, even for my ungratefulness how’s that for irony. Instead he pushed through His suffering, accepted His cup and looked to God for His strength. How much more of an example could we ask for. I believe that life will probably never seem fair. There will be moments in life where things seem to just “fit”. However, I believe that most of this journey on earth is a challenge. Some parts are even just plain low grade suffering. I think this is okay.
I am so grateful that when God wants us to get something He inundates us with it. Lately God has really been wanting me to learn how to “choose happiness”. Rabbi Ben told me this while I was in Israel. I have found that usually when someone says something to me and it wells up a ton of resentment and anger in me it is probably just what I needed to hear. Another mentor gave me that sermon to listen to about changing my attitude. By the 3rd time of listening to it I was finally able to get it. The pastor talked about the Israelites in the Exodus. It took them 40 years to get out of the desert but a lifetime to get the desert out of them. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to question God in His decisions. I want to be a willing vessel. He talked about taking the fight out of our sacrifice. I have a hard time, I’m a fighter. I have had to fight for a lot of things in my life. I wonder now looking back how much I actually would have had to fight for if I would have just relaxed and rested in God’s timing.
When it comes to God’s timing I have a hard time accepting that “not right now” doesn’t mean “not ever”. I am a motivated, driven person. When I want something I will go after it and I will fight for it. My career in theatre and film was a huge fight for me. I was constantly fighting for something that I believe now God may have never had a hand in. I think it’s fine for us to put our feelers out into many things. I don’t think it’s right when we fight to force things to happen. The pastor was talking about a little girl who was told to put her toys away and when the babysitters finally made her put them away she said, “I’m putting them away, but I’m putting them away rough.” I do most everything rough with God. I think he created me to be a fighter and I am grateful for this. I am a strong and resilient young lady. However, I think that God sometimes wants to teach us things and bless us and we put up a fight. Those of you with children realize this. You may have something great planned for them but if they won’t put away their toys you can’t bless them with it. If they eat the popsicle now they won’t be hungry for their favourite dinner you have prepared. I believe most of us are 4 year olds when it comes to dealing with God in matters of our hearts. We want to hold on to our blankies when God is standing there quietly with a newer, less smelly one waiting patiently for us to hand it over. God doesn’t play tug of war with us. I feel in the midst of this exchange. I have given him the blankie but continue to find temporary blankies of comfort until I am ready. But I have to go through this temporary uncomfortableness to get ready. We are always finding temporary blankies. We are wired to do this, it’s natural. Perhaps your blankie is a hobby, a career, a substance or a relationship. Our blankies are the things that we can delve into and find solace in albeit temporary.
I was feeling very much like God was giving me these things and then ripping them out of my hands. I have to question my theology when I think that way. God has never worked like that in my past or in the scriptures. God may very well be giving me these things my heart is desiring but maybe just maybe I’m not ready for them. Does this mean I’m always going to be happy and excited about seeing something I want and then having it temporarily taken away from me and out of my control to get back? No! Of course not! What it does mean though is that I will continue to lean onto God so hard that I must be bruising Him. He is my only constant in life and He is drilling that into my heart right now. He is giving me the skill set required for the life He has planned out for me. I believe this is what He wants for me to learn to trust Him even when life says I should be running away and fighting on my own.
I would like to thank the people who mentor me for being real with me. For putting up with me when I seem so far gone. And for giving me “real spiritual food”.
God has already shown me that His plans are better than my own. What in us fights against that and causes us to hold on to the old stinky blanket? I have to trust that God did not show me this country, this life only to tease me with it and make me miserable. That is not the God I read about in the scriptures. Instead I will lean into Him and trust that He will make a way much smoother than the ambush, machete wielding attack my heart wants to make.
May you trust that God is already clearing a path through your life and your heart to get you where He wants you. May you be given God’s eyes to see the situation you are in and may you experience a change of attitude and learn to lose the roughness in your cleanup. May you give up the stinky blanket if only to be blanketless for a few moments in order to receive the incredible blessings our Papa wants to bestow on you.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
House of Blessings
I have had a lot of requests in the past few days for another blog. Lately I have also received a few emails suggesting I write a book or look into journalism. With that pressure this email may wind up a literary disaster. I apologize if you joined this email purely to see pictures of Israel or to hear about what is going on here. If you did indeed join for pictures please feel free to check them out on my facebook page which should be open to the public. www.facebook.com/jessyhollingshead If this doesn’t work let me know and I will find a way to get them to you. If you would like to be removed I ask again for you to send me an email because, I would strongly dislike being that person that fills up your inbox.
Yesterday marked a full four weeks for me here in Israel. During those four weeks God has made some drastic changes in my heart. I struggle to find words to adequately describe what my soul feels so profoundly. When I last wrote I was missing the dynamics that the group offered and questioning my decision to come to Beit Bracha. I was finding it difficult to find my niche which is not a feeling I know well. Beit Bracha means, “House of Blessings” it took my mama pointing this out to me to grab my attention to what was going on. I am being surrounded by blessings some being conceived but some being birthed at this very moment. I am surrounded by active Christians, even prayer warriors.
Christine, is one of the Australian ladies here. She began motivating me to become more specific in my prayer life. I told her that I felt God wasn’t giving me any answers to things that were happening. She asked me if I was asking specific questions. I realized that I haven’t been. I have become so used to being in the waiting room that I completely forgot that I am able to ask God a specific question. I believe that God loves our honest questions.
So on Tuesday I began to get specific. I prefaced my questions with the full knowledge that if I wasn’t at the place to be asking them that He would gently let me know. I also asked that if I wasn’t able to have knowledge of the answer that He would give me peace in my spirit about that. I feel that God was just waiting for me to just ASK! I have a few questions written down in my prayer journal. One of the questions was, “are you proud of me?” I feel that I am striving so hard just to make my Creator smile with my life that I worry so much about “screwing it all up”.
I had also asked God about journalism. One of the gentleman (PHIL!) on my email list had sent me an email back telling me that he thought I was a journalist. This is something that I have toyed with from time to time. I used to think that as an actress becoming a writer would be giving up, settling for a lesser dream. I spoke with my cousin and her husband the other day. Joe told me how he thought I had grasped onto my acting dream for so long that I pushed away other opportunities in the process. I don’t think he is too far off. Writing this blog has helped me realize a tremendous amount of talents and dreams I never knew were there. I stifled so much by clenching my fists onto a dream that had my hand print all over it. I’ve said before that I always wanted to be great at something. I have no ability of being great unless I hold my hand open and allow my Creator to drop His desires and blessings into my palm. By signing everything over to Him a few weeks ago He has allowed me to realize so many things that my heart wants. I never realized that my heart wanted these things. My desires are truly lining up with the plans my Father has for me.
While on the trip I had met journalist and ex CNN reporter, David Dolan. Mr. Dolan has written three books about prophecy. He lines up scripture with what is going on in the world today. He came to speak to the group while we were in Jerusalem. After receiving Phil’s email about journalism it began to feature in my thoughts. I got David’s email address from Justin and sent him a quick email on Wednesday. I told him how I was thinking about going into the field of journalism and I wanted to schedule an informational interview with him to pick his brain and ask for advice. Within an hour from receiving my email he had emailed me back. He said he would be more than happy to set up a phone interview and help me all he could. This man is a published author and successful journalist via CNN and freelancing. I was honoured that he would even consider speaking with me.
After receiving his email I went outside to my balcony and was overwhelmed by a sense of joy and peace. I looked out over the Galilee. The sun has a way of reflecting off of the water that is magnificent. There is a view of the mountains right behind it and Tiberias off to the right. There are palm trees and a small stream in front of my bedroom. This is truly the most beautiful place I have ever been. I felt so engulfed by blessings and God’s love. I don’t deserve any of this from the wind that caresses my face to the sun that shines upon me or the dazzling views that dance in front of my eyes. Nothing in my life would merit the heaps of blessings that my Father is throwing upon me. I truly felt that God was proud of me in that moment. Within one day of asking a specific question He answered in the most intimate way. I realized in that moment that I have let my Lord romance my heart. I’ve never understood that phrase before. It encompasses me now.
I have no idea what God will bring about for me. He keeps telling me that it’s going to be quick. I have asked to be prepared. I began asking six months ago that He would put me in a pressure cooker. I am having a hard time being the potato in the pressure cooker. The potato does no work but allows the pressure cooker to soften it. I am good at being the pressure cooker always going, always doing. God has a new role for me to fill at the moment and it is one that is relaxing in Him. I know that He is faithful. He has shown me every moment I look to Him that He is in control. There is a Brooke Fraser song that says, “for we are not long here, our time is but a breath so we better breathe it, I was meant to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You.”
I am content knowing that God’s plans are ALWAYS better than mine. Per my plan I would be a starving actress in Los Angeles right now with a motorcycle that was way too big for her! I am quite happy that somewhere deep inside my heart was this passion for Israel. I am glad that I submitted to my Father so that He could evict my obsessions and reveal His desires for my life.
If I could ask you to pray for me on a few things. First thing is a situation that may provide a way for me to stay in Israel for another three months possibly longer. Secondly, there is a situation that I am not at liberty to talk about just yet. I would like you to pray for this person and situation. This has grown near and dear to my heart. I am constantly seeking God’s guidance in this and welcome your prayers. I also need prayer in paying a few of the bills that I did not expect having to cover. I assumed that I would be back in the states and working the month of August not still here in Israel serving. I have a need of $560. I have no doubts that God has placed me here and He will provide. I have alters of gratitude written all through my life. I thank you in advance for your prayers.
May you find the places where you have clenched your fists and allow God to loosen the grip and drop blessings into your palms. May you begin to become specific in your prayer life and await our Papa to answer you with the breeze that kisses your neck. May you let the Creator romance your soul in only the way He knows how and may you feel blessed beyond words are capable of describing. May our Saviours love make you speechless.
Yesterday marked a full four weeks for me here in Israel. During those four weeks God has made some drastic changes in my heart. I struggle to find words to adequately describe what my soul feels so profoundly. When I last wrote I was missing the dynamics that the group offered and questioning my decision to come to Beit Bracha. I was finding it difficult to find my niche which is not a feeling I know well. Beit Bracha means, “House of Blessings” it took my mama pointing this out to me to grab my attention to what was going on. I am being surrounded by blessings some being conceived but some being birthed at this very moment. I am surrounded by active Christians, even prayer warriors.
Christine, is one of the Australian ladies here. She began motivating me to become more specific in my prayer life. I told her that I felt God wasn’t giving me any answers to things that were happening. She asked me if I was asking specific questions. I realized that I haven’t been. I have become so used to being in the waiting room that I completely forgot that I am able to ask God a specific question. I believe that God loves our honest questions.
So on Tuesday I began to get specific. I prefaced my questions with the full knowledge that if I wasn’t at the place to be asking them that He would gently let me know. I also asked that if I wasn’t able to have knowledge of the answer that He would give me peace in my spirit about that. I feel that God was just waiting for me to just ASK! I have a few questions written down in my prayer journal. One of the questions was, “are you proud of me?” I feel that I am striving so hard just to make my Creator smile with my life that I worry so much about “screwing it all up”.
I had also asked God about journalism. One of the gentleman (PHIL!) on my email list had sent me an email back telling me that he thought I was a journalist. This is something that I have toyed with from time to time. I used to think that as an actress becoming a writer would be giving up, settling for a lesser dream. I spoke with my cousin and her husband the other day. Joe told me how he thought I had grasped onto my acting dream for so long that I pushed away other opportunities in the process. I don’t think he is too far off. Writing this blog has helped me realize a tremendous amount of talents and dreams I never knew were there. I stifled so much by clenching my fists onto a dream that had my hand print all over it. I’ve said before that I always wanted to be great at something. I have no ability of being great unless I hold my hand open and allow my Creator to drop His desires and blessings into my palm. By signing everything over to Him a few weeks ago He has allowed me to realize so many things that my heart wants. I never realized that my heart wanted these things. My desires are truly lining up with the plans my Father has for me.
While on the trip I had met journalist and ex CNN reporter, David Dolan. Mr. Dolan has written three books about prophecy. He lines up scripture with what is going on in the world today. He came to speak to the group while we were in Jerusalem. After receiving Phil’s email about journalism it began to feature in my thoughts. I got David’s email address from Justin and sent him a quick email on Wednesday. I told him how I was thinking about going into the field of journalism and I wanted to schedule an informational interview with him to pick his brain and ask for advice. Within an hour from receiving my email he had emailed me back. He said he would be more than happy to set up a phone interview and help me all he could. This man is a published author and successful journalist via CNN and freelancing. I was honoured that he would even consider speaking with me.
After receiving his email I went outside to my balcony and was overwhelmed by a sense of joy and peace. I looked out over the Galilee. The sun has a way of reflecting off of the water that is magnificent. There is a view of the mountains right behind it and Tiberias off to the right. There are palm trees and a small stream in front of my bedroom. This is truly the most beautiful place I have ever been. I felt so engulfed by blessings and God’s love. I don’t deserve any of this from the wind that caresses my face to the sun that shines upon me or the dazzling views that dance in front of my eyes. Nothing in my life would merit the heaps of blessings that my Father is throwing upon me. I truly felt that God was proud of me in that moment. Within one day of asking a specific question He answered in the most intimate way. I realized in that moment that I have let my Lord romance my heart. I’ve never understood that phrase before. It encompasses me now.
I have no idea what God will bring about for me. He keeps telling me that it’s going to be quick. I have asked to be prepared. I began asking six months ago that He would put me in a pressure cooker. I am having a hard time being the potato in the pressure cooker. The potato does no work but allows the pressure cooker to soften it. I am good at being the pressure cooker always going, always doing. God has a new role for me to fill at the moment and it is one that is relaxing in Him. I know that He is faithful. He has shown me every moment I look to Him that He is in control. There is a Brooke Fraser song that says, “for we are not long here, our time is but a breath so we better breathe it, I was meant to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You.”
I am content knowing that God’s plans are ALWAYS better than mine. Per my plan I would be a starving actress in Los Angeles right now with a motorcycle that was way too big for her! I am quite happy that somewhere deep inside my heart was this passion for Israel. I am glad that I submitted to my Father so that He could evict my obsessions and reveal His desires for my life.
If I could ask you to pray for me on a few things. First thing is a situation that may provide a way for me to stay in Israel for another three months possibly longer. Secondly, there is a situation that I am not at liberty to talk about just yet. I would like you to pray for this person and situation. This has grown near and dear to my heart. I am constantly seeking God’s guidance in this and welcome your prayers. I also need prayer in paying a few of the bills that I did not expect having to cover. I assumed that I would be back in the states and working the month of August not still here in Israel serving. I have a need of $560. I have no doubts that God has placed me here and He will provide. I have alters of gratitude written all through my life. I thank you in advance for your prayers.
May you find the places where you have clenched your fists and allow God to loosen the grip and drop blessings into your palms. May you begin to become specific in your prayer life and await our Papa to answer you with the breeze that kisses your neck. May you let the Creator romance your soul in only the way He knows how and may you feel blessed beyond words are capable of describing. May our Saviours love make you speechless.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tisha B'Av
Today is Tisha b’Av. This is the 9th of Av in the Jewish calendar. This is a grave day for the Jewish people. This is the day that both temples were destroyed some 600 years apart. It is also the day that the 12 men that Moses sent out came back, Joshua and Caleb being the only two that could see God’s vision. This day is said to be the first day that the trains deporting the Jewish people were sent out of the Warsaw ghetto to Treblinka. You can feel the sadness of this day through these historical events. It is tradition to read Lamentations and Job and to fast. I am doing all of these things. As I sit out here on my patio I feel so gracious to be so close to the temple. Just a few hundred kilometers south stands Jerusalem where just a few days ago I walked the temple mount and cried at the Western Wall praying for these people and this country.
In reading Lamentations I know how hopeless it all may seem. Jerusalem has been crushed. Lamentations 2:16 says, All your enemies open their mouths wide against you; they scoff and gnash their teeth and say, “We have swallowed her up. This is the day we have waited for; we have lived to see it.” How heartbreaking. The enemy has done just this. Many anti-semites have come so close to accomplishing their goal of annihilating this group of people. I find no rest in knowing there are still large groups of people who subscribe to this ignorance. I believe it all stems from a deep seeded jealousy.
In Lamentations 2:13, just a few verses before it reads: “What can I say for you? With what can I compare you, O Daughter of Jerusalem? To what can I liken you, that I may comfort you, O Virgin Daughter of Zion? Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?” Amazing! This is the beauty in Tisha B’Av! The temple is already here! The Temple came down 2000 years ago and walked this earth. The Temple 50 days later at Shavuot or Pentecost sent the Holy Spirit to dwell among us. The Temple lives within you and me! This saddens me in the same respect it saddened me to pray at the wall. These people are anticipating and anxiously awaiting the Messiah and the Temple. I know both. God bridged the gap to Him 2000 years ago when my Saviour came to this earth as a little baby boy and grew up into a sinless man. Who then later paid the highest cost for me and you.
When we were at the Temple Mount they said that in the year 30AD the Western candle that is in the middle of the Temple Menorah began to go out. This candle was pointed towards the room that housed the Ark of The Covenant. In Leviticus God commanded that this candle would never go out. In 30 AD the candle went out and would not stay lit. On Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement) they would make a sacrifice of a scapegoat. This scapegoat was tied up and led outside of the camp when the goat was pushed over the cliff the cord that was tied around the door to the Holy of Holies would turn from crimson to white. In 30 AD the Babylonian Talmud records show that the cord stopped turning white. There were also large doors that closed off the entrance to the Holy of Holies. It took many men to open these doors. In 30 AD they would not stay shut. The Talmud quotes all of these occurrences. I believe they point straight to Yeshua. Some people say that Yeshua began his mission in the year 30AD and some say that He died in the year 30AD. Neither of these dates point me away from this. When Yeshua began His mission he began bridging the gap between us and God. There was no longer a need for a scapegoat for Christ took that position. Nor was there a need to close off the room that God dwelled in.
So tonight as I fast, I fast not for the rebuilding of the Temple or the expectation of the first coming of the Messiah. I fast for the Jewish people, for the nation of Israel, for the knowledge that their eyes will be opened and God will reveal himself to them through the love of His son, Yeshua. I fast for these chosen people. I fast because I know the Saviour. I cannot begin to understand the depth and breadth of His love and I long to share that.
In reading Lamentations I know how hopeless it all may seem. Jerusalem has been crushed. Lamentations 2:16 says, All your enemies open their mouths wide against you; they scoff and gnash their teeth and say, “We have swallowed her up. This is the day we have waited for; we have lived to see it.” How heartbreaking. The enemy has done just this. Many anti-semites have come so close to accomplishing their goal of annihilating this group of people. I find no rest in knowing there are still large groups of people who subscribe to this ignorance. I believe it all stems from a deep seeded jealousy.
In Lamentations 2:13, just a few verses before it reads: “What can I say for you? With what can I compare you, O Daughter of Jerusalem? To what can I liken you, that I may comfort you, O Virgin Daughter of Zion? Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?” Amazing! This is the beauty in Tisha B’Av! The temple is already here! The Temple came down 2000 years ago and walked this earth. The Temple 50 days later at Shavuot or Pentecost sent the Holy Spirit to dwell among us. The Temple lives within you and me! This saddens me in the same respect it saddened me to pray at the wall. These people are anticipating and anxiously awaiting the Messiah and the Temple. I know both. God bridged the gap to Him 2000 years ago when my Saviour came to this earth as a little baby boy and grew up into a sinless man. Who then later paid the highest cost for me and you.
When we were at the Temple Mount they said that in the year 30AD the Western candle that is in the middle of the Temple Menorah began to go out. This candle was pointed towards the room that housed the Ark of The Covenant. In Leviticus God commanded that this candle would never go out. In 30 AD the candle went out and would not stay lit. On Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement) they would make a sacrifice of a scapegoat. This scapegoat was tied up and led outside of the camp when the goat was pushed over the cliff the cord that was tied around the door to the Holy of Holies would turn from crimson to white. In 30 AD the Babylonian Talmud records show that the cord stopped turning white. There were also large doors that closed off the entrance to the Holy of Holies. It took many men to open these doors. In 30 AD they would not stay shut. The Talmud quotes all of these occurrences. I believe they point straight to Yeshua. Some people say that Yeshua began his mission in the year 30AD and some say that He died in the year 30AD. Neither of these dates point me away from this. When Yeshua began His mission he began bridging the gap between us and God. There was no longer a need for a scapegoat for Christ took that position. Nor was there a need to close off the room that God dwelled in.
So tonight as I fast, I fast not for the rebuilding of the Temple or the expectation of the first coming of the Messiah. I fast for the Jewish people, for the nation of Israel, for the knowledge that their eyes will be opened and God will reveal himself to them through the love of His son, Yeshua. I fast for these chosen people. I fast because I know the Saviour. I cannot begin to understand the depth and breadth of His love and I long to share that.
Monday, July 27, 2009
ISRAEL BLOG #5
“This is my desire, this is my return. This is my desire to be used by you.” This Jeremy Camp song is playing as I sit out here on the patio of my home for a month at Beit Bracha (house of blessing. It truly is beautiful here. I am by far very moved in this place. From the porch I can see the Sea of Galilee and the lights of Tiberius. It is peaceful here. I am somewhat mourning the loss of the group dynamic though. I shouldn’t say somewhat. I am having some major withdrawals. I would like to take a few paragraphs to wrap up the last few days of the trip.
The last I wrote to you I was headed to hike Masada the next morning at 3 AM. This is the place where the Jewish rebels ran to in 64 AD when Rome began to overtake Israel. They lived there for 7 years before the Romans conquered them. However, they never retaliated because the Romans were sending Israeli slaves up to fight them and the religious zealots refused to take the lives of their own people. In 73 AD the Romans finally breached the walls and took over the fortress. However, when they arrived they found that everyone except for 2 women and 5 children were dead. They had cast lots and committed suicide. It is a fascinating story and the sunrise from that place is indescribable. The hike usually takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and I would like everyone to know I accomplished this in 27 minutes. OH YA!!! It was a great life lesson to climb this mountain. I was able to break off from the group and climb it alone. This is a big thing for me because I am very much a people person. I enjoy being in the thick of things. I love people! I was passed up by two guys who ran up the mountain. It upset me because they passed me. The competitive side in me runs deep. Then a few yards later I passed up some other people then again some others. It reminded me that in life we are often passed and we often pass. For the last few years in my career I have felt passed a lot. It makes it difficult. I realize it is not a game to see who finishes first it is a journey. On that hike I realized that God never promised to make our paths straight or clear out all the rocks or take away the looming danger of a steep drop off. He did however promise to be there with us. Guiding us if we look to Him.
Later that day we went to Ein Gedi and it was beautiful. It has made reading the Psalms that much more exciting. I know have a visual of where David may have sat as he poured out his heart to our God.
We then moved onto the Dead Sea. It was fantastic. We got a few pictures of us floating around and covered like mud monkeys! Justin told us that the spiritual significance is that the Jordan flows into the Dead Sea but nothing flows out of it. This is the same for us, if nothing is flowing out of us we too will become dead. We all decided this was the toilet bowl of the earth. It was so incredibly hot here. You could swim through the air, not because of humidity but because of the thickness of heat.
On the way to the Holocaust museum the next day we passed some sunflowers and Justin pointed out that a sunflower is ready for harvest when it is bowed to the sun. God is amazing how his nature points right to Him. We then arrived at Yad Vashem (the Holocaust museum) I knew that this was going to be one of the hardest parts of the trip for me. I knew this from the minute I saw the itinerary. The Holocaust is one of those things I have a very hard time dealing with. I don’t think I will ever understand how someone could have bought into that. However, I don’t think things are any different now. These things are going on all over the world and we all let them slide. I am not better than the population of these axis countries in the 30’s and 40’s. I would like to think I’m different but I’m not. I pretty much broke down throughout the whole museum. I have such a heart for these people and to see what had been done to them broke me. I wanted to approach every Jewish person there and hug them. I wanted to apologize for the fact that almost no one helped them. Hitler almost won. However, I do believe that this is a testament to God’s existence. There is a story that an ancient French monarch asked Blaise Pascale to prove the existence of God and Mr. Pascale answered, “The Jewish people Your Majesty!” I think this quote could not hit closer. This is a group of people that have had constant opposition. Many times large armies or governments have gone after them with the motive of annihilation and the Jewish people have always managed to survive. This is God. The whole time through the museum I kept asking God how he could have allowed this to happen. His answer, “I didn’t. This is what humans do.” We are a fallen people. We are not perfect nor are we sinless. We need a higher power, we need Yeshua to bridge the gap between our inability to become blameless and God’s inability to touch sin. I was able to witness a miracle while there. I was behind a group of IDF (Israeli Defense Force) female soldiers. The miracle: Israel is a nation, they have an army! Not only had God never allowed them to be wiped out He has given them a nation, a defense force. That my friends is a miracle.
That night we went on a walk through the Biblical gardens at Yad Hashemona where we stayed while in Jerusalem. Saba walked us through and gave us a lesson. There were many great lessons but the one that stuck out the most was the watchtower. Fields in Israel are full of rocks. This is an incredibly rocky area. When farmers were cultivating their fields they would take out all the rocks and build their boundaries with them. Then they would dig into the land and when they did that more rocks would come to the surface. They would take those rocks and then build their watchtower with them. Saba compared it to our hearts. When we begin cultivating our hearts we should take those “rocks” and build our boundaries with them. Whenever you begin to dig deep in there you always find more junk that comes to the surface that you had forgotten about. We should take those and set up a watchtower to keep watch for those things that will cause “heart problems” in the future. It was in also in the watchtower where Ruth came to her kinsman redeemer Boaz and slept at his feet. I find that story so beautiful. She had some major guts.
We then made our way to Jerusalem the next morning. By this time I had cried so much that I was able to mentally grasp the area. It wasn’t an emotional waterfall for me it was a grateful longing to be closer to my Saviour. We started out at the Western Wall and then we went to the Temple Mount and he Dome of the Rock. It was a hard day. The Western Wall was beautiful. I was able to spend a good amount of time on the wall praying and leaving my prayers there. I am grateful to have a saviour I can go to every day. I am so grateful that I know the Messiah. It was sad as well as beautiful. The Dome of the Rock was a difficult thing. The atmosphere automatically changes there. However, I was reminded later in worship that God loves these people as much as He loves me. That is a difficult pill to swallow sometimes but it is the truth. The temple mount was also sad. Here was this area that used to be this great temple for these people. However, the temple now lives within me. That was thrilling.
We went to the Temple Institute after that. Strange. This is a museum of the future. This is a place where they are preparing for the building of the 3rd Temple. They have the menorah made of solid gold that is huge. They also have the priestly outfit that the High Priest will wear as well as the bread racks for the consecrated bread. They have so much stuff done and ready and just waiting for the 3rd Temple. This is the real stuff also made to the specific requirements told by God in the Torah. If you know anything about prophesy this is really exciting. I am by no means saying that the end of the world is near, I am however saying that it’s interesting and exciting. We have never been this close to the 3rd Temple.
The last day we spent at the place where Jesus was held at Caiphas’ house. We were in the dungeon that is said to have held Christ in his final hours. We saw the area where they would have cast lots to play a game called, “Kings”. The Roman soldiers would play a game much like Russian Roulette with the prisoners. Most prisoners did not actually make it out of this game alive. Yeshua did. This is why He was crowned “King”. As we read Psalm 88, the Psalm that Yeshua would have prayed to God, His Father. I will not copy it down but encourage you to look it up in your Bibles. It was extremely powerful to hear Justin read that as we were in the dungeon where my Saviour was, alone, scared and humiliated. It reminds me that there is not a single feeling I can feel that is not understood.
We then walked the path He would have walked to the crucifixion site. One of the guys on the trip reminded us that WE all did this to Him. I don’t like it when people accuse the Jews of killing Jesus or the Romans. We all pierced His hands, we all put the sword through His side and hoisted Him up on that wooden plank. Every time I have ignored someone who needed a friend, every time I did something straight in the face of God that I knew was wrong. That’s a hard thing to swallow, it’s so much easier to just blame it on someone else. When we got to what is said to be the crucifixion site, Golgotha. It is near the beautiful garden. A bus station is there now. What I found great is that it is perfect that a bus station is there. First of all, it is not about the crucifixion, what a terrible thing to build a shrine around. Secondly, Christ told us to go out into all the world and share the gospel. How perfect that there is a means of transportation there. We then walked over to the Garden tomb. This is where I believe Yeshua was buried only to rise again 3 days later. It just felt right. The tomb was very small. The garden was beautiful. We had a fantastic little Englishman as our tour guide and he continued to remind us, “It’s not about the place but about the relationship with the Christ.” He is right. We were able to take communion and praise Yeshua’s name through worship while there. While we were singing there was an African choir next to us singing as well. Then there was the Muslim prayers going out of the minerets. One of the girls pointed out that this is what heaven was going to be like. The blending of all of these cultures. It was truly magical. Because of my Yeshua, I have the hope of singing with all different peoples in all different languages and here on earth I got a taste albeit a very small one of what Heaven will be like. We joined the African choir in singing the same song but in English. I believe that was a gift from God.
It has been difficult leaving this group. Justin pointed out on our last night together all gathered around the bonfire that this would be the last time this group of people would be together until the kingdom of God. It’s a strange feeling to know that that statement is true.
I am here now in Galilee at Beit Bracha volunteering for the month of August. It is exciting but scary in the same moment. The enemy is trying to bring up old chains in my heart and working hard on isolating me. I know that the power within me is stronger than him. God is in control. He worked this out too smoothly for me to have had anything to do with it. I know that amazing things are beginning to happen. I have been in such a waiting place for so long and now it seems to be changing. After many long talks with Justin I am considering going to Bible College at Moody. We will see. It is something I have been interested in for awhile now but kept telling God that I didn’t want to waste anymore time. Funny huh! Studying the Bible and wasting time just don’t belong in the same sentence! Oh the limits we put on ourselves, to believe that at 27 I am getting too old to be going back to school. I think we all need to focus on what it is God is calling us to do not what the timetables of other people are. I love that God is a gracious God who is slow to anger and abounding in love. He has showed me so many little things and huge things these 3 weeks I have been here. Things that He has been preparing my heart for this whole time. God is faithful. Every time I have started to think that things are not in control or being handled He gently reminds me that He is in control. I got the email about Beit Bracha the day I was immersed in the Jordan making a public profession of faith that God had ALL of me now. I had cut that last chord I was holding onto and I had nothing. Through giving God ALL of me I gained everything. Amazing how that works. I began freaking out about money for the next month and each time I was thinking about it I checked my email and had news about money there. God is working even when we don’t see it. He will never allow His children to go without if they are chasing after what His heart desires. Great question: How do you know God is speaking to you? When you know His voice. The more time you spend with someone the more you know the sound of their voice even when you can’t see their face.
May you bow your head towards the Son and prepare for your harvesting. May you build the boundaries around your heart and build your watchtower high enough to see incoming potential disasters. May you tune your ear to His voice and know the sound of His smile. May God fill your world so much with His presence that you find it impossible to ignore Him and may you open your eyes to the abounding love the Father has for you.
Attached are the lyrics to the song I was listening to by Jeremy Camp:
You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king
You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You
You want to be real, you want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do Your will
It's to do Your will
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You
All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You
The last I wrote to you I was headed to hike Masada the next morning at 3 AM. This is the place where the Jewish rebels ran to in 64 AD when Rome began to overtake Israel. They lived there for 7 years before the Romans conquered them. However, they never retaliated because the Romans were sending Israeli slaves up to fight them and the religious zealots refused to take the lives of their own people. In 73 AD the Romans finally breached the walls and took over the fortress. However, when they arrived they found that everyone except for 2 women and 5 children were dead. They had cast lots and committed suicide. It is a fascinating story and the sunrise from that place is indescribable. The hike usually takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and I would like everyone to know I accomplished this in 27 minutes. OH YA!!! It was a great life lesson to climb this mountain. I was able to break off from the group and climb it alone. This is a big thing for me because I am very much a people person. I enjoy being in the thick of things. I love people! I was passed up by two guys who ran up the mountain. It upset me because they passed me. The competitive side in me runs deep. Then a few yards later I passed up some other people then again some others. It reminded me that in life we are often passed and we often pass. For the last few years in my career I have felt passed a lot. It makes it difficult. I realize it is not a game to see who finishes first it is a journey. On that hike I realized that God never promised to make our paths straight or clear out all the rocks or take away the looming danger of a steep drop off. He did however promise to be there with us. Guiding us if we look to Him.
Later that day we went to Ein Gedi and it was beautiful. It has made reading the Psalms that much more exciting. I know have a visual of where David may have sat as he poured out his heart to our God.
We then moved onto the Dead Sea. It was fantastic. We got a few pictures of us floating around and covered like mud monkeys! Justin told us that the spiritual significance is that the Jordan flows into the Dead Sea but nothing flows out of it. This is the same for us, if nothing is flowing out of us we too will become dead. We all decided this was the toilet bowl of the earth. It was so incredibly hot here. You could swim through the air, not because of humidity but because of the thickness of heat.
On the way to the Holocaust museum the next day we passed some sunflowers and Justin pointed out that a sunflower is ready for harvest when it is bowed to the sun. God is amazing how his nature points right to Him. We then arrived at Yad Vashem (the Holocaust museum) I knew that this was going to be one of the hardest parts of the trip for me. I knew this from the minute I saw the itinerary. The Holocaust is one of those things I have a very hard time dealing with. I don’t think I will ever understand how someone could have bought into that. However, I don’t think things are any different now. These things are going on all over the world and we all let them slide. I am not better than the population of these axis countries in the 30’s and 40’s. I would like to think I’m different but I’m not. I pretty much broke down throughout the whole museum. I have such a heart for these people and to see what had been done to them broke me. I wanted to approach every Jewish person there and hug them. I wanted to apologize for the fact that almost no one helped them. Hitler almost won. However, I do believe that this is a testament to God’s existence. There is a story that an ancient French monarch asked Blaise Pascale to prove the existence of God and Mr. Pascale answered, “The Jewish people Your Majesty!” I think this quote could not hit closer. This is a group of people that have had constant opposition. Many times large armies or governments have gone after them with the motive of annihilation and the Jewish people have always managed to survive. This is God. The whole time through the museum I kept asking God how he could have allowed this to happen. His answer, “I didn’t. This is what humans do.” We are a fallen people. We are not perfect nor are we sinless. We need a higher power, we need Yeshua to bridge the gap between our inability to become blameless and God’s inability to touch sin. I was able to witness a miracle while there. I was behind a group of IDF (Israeli Defense Force) female soldiers. The miracle: Israel is a nation, they have an army! Not only had God never allowed them to be wiped out He has given them a nation, a defense force. That my friends is a miracle.
That night we went on a walk through the Biblical gardens at Yad Hashemona where we stayed while in Jerusalem. Saba walked us through and gave us a lesson. There were many great lessons but the one that stuck out the most was the watchtower. Fields in Israel are full of rocks. This is an incredibly rocky area. When farmers were cultivating their fields they would take out all the rocks and build their boundaries with them. Then they would dig into the land and when they did that more rocks would come to the surface. They would take those rocks and then build their watchtower with them. Saba compared it to our hearts. When we begin cultivating our hearts we should take those “rocks” and build our boundaries with them. Whenever you begin to dig deep in there you always find more junk that comes to the surface that you had forgotten about. We should take those and set up a watchtower to keep watch for those things that will cause “heart problems” in the future. It was in also in the watchtower where Ruth came to her kinsman redeemer Boaz and slept at his feet. I find that story so beautiful. She had some major guts.
We then made our way to Jerusalem the next morning. By this time I had cried so much that I was able to mentally grasp the area. It wasn’t an emotional waterfall for me it was a grateful longing to be closer to my Saviour. We started out at the Western Wall and then we went to the Temple Mount and he Dome of the Rock. It was a hard day. The Western Wall was beautiful. I was able to spend a good amount of time on the wall praying and leaving my prayers there. I am grateful to have a saviour I can go to every day. I am so grateful that I know the Messiah. It was sad as well as beautiful. The Dome of the Rock was a difficult thing. The atmosphere automatically changes there. However, I was reminded later in worship that God loves these people as much as He loves me. That is a difficult pill to swallow sometimes but it is the truth. The temple mount was also sad. Here was this area that used to be this great temple for these people. However, the temple now lives within me. That was thrilling.
We went to the Temple Institute after that. Strange. This is a museum of the future. This is a place where they are preparing for the building of the 3rd Temple. They have the menorah made of solid gold that is huge. They also have the priestly outfit that the High Priest will wear as well as the bread racks for the consecrated bread. They have so much stuff done and ready and just waiting for the 3rd Temple. This is the real stuff also made to the specific requirements told by God in the Torah. If you know anything about prophesy this is really exciting. I am by no means saying that the end of the world is near, I am however saying that it’s interesting and exciting. We have never been this close to the 3rd Temple.
The last day we spent at the place where Jesus was held at Caiphas’ house. We were in the dungeon that is said to have held Christ in his final hours. We saw the area where they would have cast lots to play a game called, “Kings”. The Roman soldiers would play a game much like Russian Roulette with the prisoners. Most prisoners did not actually make it out of this game alive. Yeshua did. This is why He was crowned “King”. As we read Psalm 88, the Psalm that Yeshua would have prayed to God, His Father. I will not copy it down but encourage you to look it up in your Bibles. It was extremely powerful to hear Justin read that as we were in the dungeon where my Saviour was, alone, scared and humiliated. It reminds me that there is not a single feeling I can feel that is not understood.
We then walked the path He would have walked to the crucifixion site. One of the guys on the trip reminded us that WE all did this to Him. I don’t like it when people accuse the Jews of killing Jesus or the Romans. We all pierced His hands, we all put the sword through His side and hoisted Him up on that wooden plank. Every time I have ignored someone who needed a friend, every time I did something straight in the face of God that I knew was wrong. That’s a hard thing to swallow, it’s so much easier to just blame it on someone else. When we got to what is said to be the crucifixion site, Golgotha. It is near the beautiful garden. A bus station is there now. What I found great is that it is perfect that a bus station is there. First of all, it is not about the crucifixion, what a terrible thing to build a shrine around. Secondly, Christ told us to go out into all the world and share the gospel. How perfect that there is a means of transportation there. We then walked over to the Garden tomb. This is where I believe Yeshua was buried only to rise again 3 days later. It just felt right. The tomb was very small. The garden was beautiful. We had a fantastic little Englishman as our tour guide and he continued to remind us, “It’s not about the place but about the relationship with the Christ.” He is right. We were able to take communion and praise Yeshua’s name through worship while there. While we were singing there was an African choir next to us singing as well. Then there was the Muslim prayers going out of the minerets. One of the girls pointed out that this is what heaven was going to be like. The blending of all of these cultures. It was truly magical. Because of my Yeshua, I have the hope of singing with all different peoples in all different languages and here on earth I got a taste albeit a very small one of what Heaven will be like. We joined the African choir in singing the same song but in English. I believe that was a gift from God.
It has been difficult leaving this group. Justin pointed out on our last night together all gathered around the bonfire that this would be the last time this group of people would be together until the kingdom of God. It’s a strange feeling to know that that statement is true.
I am here now in Galilee at Beit Bracha volunteering for the month of August. It is exciting but scary in the same moment. The enemy is trying to bring up old chains in my heart and working hard on isolating me. I know that the power within me is stronger than him. God is in control. He worked this out too smoothly for me to have had anything to do with it. I know that amazing things are beginning to happen. I have been in such a waiting place for so long and now it seems to be changing. After many long talks with Justin I am considering going to Bible College at Moody. We will see. It is something I have been interested in for awhile now but kept telling God that I didn’t want to waste anymore time. Funny huh! Studying the Bible and wasting time just don’t belong in the same sentence! Oh the limits we put on ourselves, to believe that at 27 I am getting too old to be going back to school. I think we all need to focus on what it is God is calling us to do not what the timetables of other people are. I love that God is a gracious God who is slow to anger and abounding in love. He has showed me so many little things and huge things these 3 weeks I have been here. Things that He has been preparing my heart for this whole time. God is faithful. Every time I have started to think that things are not in control or being handled He gently reminds me that He is in control. I got the email about Beit Bracha the day I was immersed in the Jordan making a public profession of faith that God had ALL of me now. I had cut that last chord I was holding onto and I had nothing. Through giving God ALL of me I gained everything. Amazing how that works. I began freaking out about money for the next month and each time I was thinking about it I checked my email and had news about money there. God is working even when we don’t see it. He will never allow His children to go without if they are chasing after what His heart desires. Great question: How do you know God is speaking to you? When you know His voice. The more time you spend with someone the more you know the sound of their voice even when you can’t see their face.
May you bow your head towards the Son and prepare for your harvesting. May you build the boundaries around your heart and build your watchtower high enough to see incoming potential disasters. May you tune your ear to His voice and know the sound of His smile. May God fill your world so much with His presence that you find it impossible to ignore Him and may you open your eyes to the abounding love the Father has for you.
Attached are the lyrics to the song I was listening to by Jeremy Camp:
You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king
You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You
You want to be real, you want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do Your will
It's to do Your will
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You
All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
IsRAEL BLOG #4
Israel Blog # 4
I have been waiting for this. I’ve written about how last year I began asking God for an adventure. I wanted a huge adventure and what I thought that would look like is much different than how God’s vision of my life is manifesting. I also began praying about six months ago that God would pressure cook me to be ready for what it is He created me for. I always thought that would look like Broadway or Hollywood. Whenever people told me growing up that God had something big planned for me I always thought that meant my dreams of stardom. At the time those dreams were filled with musical theatre and film. I could not begin to imagine my life taking any other direction. I have said this before but feel the need within the context of this blog to reiterate. I have always felt like I was good at a lot of stuff. I’m a good actress, good singer, good teacher, good writer, etc. . Yet, I never felt like I was great at anything. I realize now that great is when God’s hand reaches down and touches your hip like Jacob and you are forever changed. This means that you have to wrestle with God to get that. I have been wrestling with God.
A few months ago I felt called to give up my dreams of my acting career. There is a lot of me in that last sentence and that was my life. I have began to pray on this trip that God would have me die a little bit more to myself each day so that I may look more like Him each day.
On Erev Shabbat (Friday night) we had a worship service in the prayer chapel at the guest house we were staying at. Justin, Saba Ben and Matt set up a beautiful place of worship for us. There were tea light candles that lined the path to the chapel and then inside there were candles at every corner and a large cross made out of candles was in the center. We had been asked to enter in silence and when we arrived Crystal, one of the many talented women on the trip was playing the piano. It was absolutely beautiful. Matt began playing guitar and we began to worship. He talked about praying without ceasing. He had us do an exercise where we breathed in and out prayers. The first prayer we did was from Luke 18, the parable about the Pharisee and the tax collector. The Pharisee goes in and prays about how wonderful he is and how much pride he has to not be like other people. The tax collector in the back wouldn’t even look up. He beat his breast and cried, “Lord have mercy on me a sinner. Christ said this man went home justified. So in the exercise we breathed in, “Jesus Christ Son of God then (breathe out), Have Mercy on me a sinner. The second one he taught us was, “The Lord is my shepherd (breathe out)I shall not be in want. Then one from Samuel, “Speak Lord, (breathe out) your servant is listening. And finally, “Be still (breathe out) and know that I am God from Psalm 46:10. This exercise was incredibly cathartic. I began to hear God speaking to me about letting go, being still.
On Saturday we went to Megiddo and to Jezreel Valley where Armageddon is supposed to take place. The air force base is here and my friend Opher works there, he has requested we quit calling it Armageddon since this is in fact where he reports to work. ;) The reason this area is so incredibly important is because whomever owns and occupies this land is the power who is in control of the major passages. This area connects Asia, Africa and Europe. This is an incredibly powerful land mass. This is synonymous with our hearts. Whatever owns and occupies our hearts is what owns our minds and bodies. Justin compared us to the characters in The Wizard of Oz. They were looking for these things that they had with them all along. We are looking for these things that we already have through Yeshua. The thing that matters is that we surrender our lives to Him. Yeshua came from a place called Nazareth, in the Bible the question was asked, “Nazareth? What good can come from there?” However, they never wanted to remove the title Nazareth from his name. Yeshua is able to use us no matter what situation we come from, what our past is like.
The next morning we were asked to wake up at 5am and go down to the Sea of Galilee and have some quiet time with God. I got down there and a few verses were opened up to me, Psalm 106:4, Remember me O Lord, when you show favor to your people, come to my aid when you save them that I may enjoy the prosperity of your chosen ones, that I may share in the joy of your nation.” Psalm 33:4, For the word of the Lord is right and true, he is faithful in all He does. Psalm 34:4, I sough the Lord and He answered me, He delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 31:3-5, Since you are my rock and fortress for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit redeem me O Lord the God of the Torah.
It was in this time that I heard God telling me to let go. I felt as if I had let go of everything. I have given over not knowing what’s in store for me in the next year, I’ve given up working on achieving a career in acting, I’ve given up the ideas of a “normal” life and sold out to the fact that I may never have anything else brand new and I may be entering into a life that is extremely frightening and probably not “successful” in the world’s view. BUT, there was one thing I was refusing to take my death grip off of. It is a cause of much stress, tears and fear. It was holding me back from fully surrendering myself to Him. As I was sitting there where Yeshua had walked, close to where He may have called Simon and Andrew to be fishers of men I knew that I wasn’t completely following Him. I was holding out on Him. I had to surrender and let it go. I finally realized that He wants me despite of my inability to get Him, in spite of my failures and my fears. I knew that I had to cut that last rope. That last thing I was holding onto. These things have taken years to shed. But 5 years later and I have finally gotten rid of all of the cords that were tying me to myself. God is enthralled by each of us. He finds our beauty to have no comparison. This was the morning of my 27th birthday. This birthday had so much more meaning than just turning a year older. This was a brand new birth.
Justin also talked about how we treat the people who are so different than us. In the two stories where the thousands of people were fed with few loaves and fish there is a huge lesson here. The first time it happened the disciples were in their own land, the Jewish side of the Galilee. One day had gone by and the disciples were worried about getting food for the people who had been listening to Yeshua teach. Yeshua gets the two fish and the five loaves and feeds the 5000 people. Then they cross the lake and go to the Gentile side. THREE DAYS PASS that Yeshua teaches and the people listen. The disciples are not even the least bit concerned that the people have not eaten in three days. It takes Yeshua asking how much bread they have. He says that He has compassion for them and that the disciples should feed them. The disciples ask the dumbest question, they want to know where they can get that much food they only have 7 loaves of bread. Yeshua just a few days before had fed 5000 people and this was only 4000 and this time the disciples at least had some food to work with. I suppose they had just "forgotten" that it was Yeshua who had just a few days before taken some bread and some fish and fed 5000 full with leftovers. God knew there would be leftovers, He wanted us to know that He will always provide. When God provides there is always leftovers. We need to learn to go out of our way to provide for the people who are so different from ourselves.
Justin also taught on when God spoke to Moses and said His own name. Moses recorded it as YHWH or Yahweh, the Hebrew letters of this are ×™ (yud) ×” (hey) ו (vav) ×” (hey). There has been some speculation about when God said His name if it wasn’t actually His breath. That Moses actually heard God’s breath. Is God in the rustling of the wind in the branches? Is that actually God dwelling amongst us? Is that His presence when you hear the leaves shake?
We also talked about the woman who was healed of bleeding by Yeshua. She was unclean and therefore she couldn’t touch anything. This made her an outcast. She couldn’t sit anywhere, touch anybody, nothing. She pushed through a crowd, touching everyone to get to the one man she knew could heal her. She had massive faith. Sure there had to be some moments of fear. She had to have thought what if this didn’t work? What if He isn’t who he says he is? What if I’m stoned for this? In this day she would have been killed for touching a Rabbi with her state. She made a huge leap of faith because she believed He was the only one who could heal her. She believed touching Him alone would heal her. She was right. Because of her amazing faith she was healed.
On Sunday we did immersions in the Jordan River if you so chose. This was one of the things that really led me to want to go on this trip. I prayed about it the night before and I just knew that this was something God was calling me to do. That night I began to have small nightmares before I fell asleep where I was falling off of a cliff into a deep abyss. This assured me that I had to let go. I had to trust that when I stepped off of that cliff God was going to be there to catch me. If I didn’t take that step something may come along to push me off. I let go and I wanted it to be official. I wanted to show God that I was committed. I was His, all His. I thought that I had given it all up but I knew deep down that this thing was holding me back from being used the way He wants to use me. So I released it. I submitted myself to Him and His will. I publicly professed that I had nothing now, God could finally use me the way He wanted to. I am no longer holding myself back.
While we were at the Sea of Galilee we went to a retreat center called Beit Bracha. There were two ladies there from New Zealand. They both had such a peace about them. I want to be that woman in Proverbs 31 that is peaceful yet strong, vulnerable yet protective. I want to be the woman that can bring honour to her household. When I do get married I want my husband to be looked upon highly. I want to bring happiness and adventure to every day of our lives. God is slowly changing my heart and my desires to match His. I see glimpses of this woman and the glimpses are slowly turning into my reality. I put all my trust in Yeshua for He has rescued me before and I know that my life is best in His hands. He is my saviour, my romancer and the keeper of my heart. There is truly no one like Him, and I choose to believe.
May you discover God’s abounding love. May you know that He loves you whether you don’t feel worthy or whether you don’t believe He’s even there. May you have the courage to step forward when the risks are too great and the “what if’s” outweigh your faith. And may the love of Yeshua fill your life with great joy and hope for all your days to come.
I have been waiting for this. I’ve written about how last year I began asking God for an adventure. I wanted a huge adventure and what I thought that would look like is much different than how God’s vision of my life is manifesting. I also began praying about six months ago that God would pressure cook me to be ready for what it is He created me for. I always thought that would look like Broadway or Hollywood. Whenever people told me growing up that God had something big planned for me I always thought that meant my dreams of stardom. At the time those dreams were filled with musical theatre and film. I could not begin to imagine my life taking any other direction. I have said this before but feel the need within the context of this blog to reiterate. I have always felt like I was good at a lot of stuff. I’m a good actress, good singer, good teacher, good writer, etc. . Yet, I never felt like I was great at anything. I realize now that great is when God’s hand reaches down and touches your hip like Jacob and you are forever changed. This means that you have to wrestle with God to get that. I have been wrestling with God.
A few months ago I felt called to give up my dreams of my acting career. There is a lot of me in that last sentence and that was my life. I have began to pray on this trip that God would have me die a little bit more to myself each day so that I may look more like Him each day.
On Erev Shabbat (Friday night) we had a worship service in the prayer chapel at the guest house we were staying at. Justin, Saba Ben and Matt set up a beautiful place of worship for us. There were tea light candles that lined the path to the chapel and then inside there were candles at every corner and a large cross made out of candles was in the center. We had been asked to enter in silence and when we arrived Crystal, one of the many talented women on the trip was playing the piano. It was absolutely beautiful. Matt began playing guitar and we began to worship. He talked about praying without ceasing. He had us do an exercise where we breathed in and out prayers. The first prayer we did was from Luke 18, the parable about the Pharisee and the tax collector. The Pharisee goes in and prays about how wonderful he is and how much pride he has to not be like other people. The tax collector in the back wouldn’t even look up. He beat his breast and cried, “Lord have mercy on me a sinner. Christ said this man went home justified. So in the exercise we breathed in, “Jesus Christ Son of God then (breathe out), Have Mercy on me a sinner. The second one he taught us was, “The Lord is my shepherd (breathe out)I shall not be in want. Then one from Samuel, “Speak Lord, (breathe out) your servant is listening. And finally, “Be still (breathe out) and know that I am God from Psalm 46:10. This exercise was incredibly cathartic. I began to hear God speaking to me about letting go, being still.
On Saturday we went to Megiddo and to Jezreel Valley where Armageddon is supposed to take place. The air force base is here and my friend Opher works there, he has requested we quit calling it Armageddon since this is in fact where he reports to work. ;) The reason this area is so incredibly important is because whomever owns and occupies this land is the power who is in control of the major passages. This area connects Asia, Africa and Europe. This is an incredibly powerful land mass. This is synonymous with our hearts. Whatever owns and occupies our hearts is what owns our minds and bodies. Justin compared us to the characters in The Wizard of Oz. They were looking for these things that they had with them all along. We are looking for these things that we already have through Yeshua. The thing that matters is that we surrender our lives to Him. Yeshua came from a place called Nazareth, in the Bible the question was asked, “Nazareth? What good can come from there?” However, they never wanted to remove the title Nazareth from his name. Yeshua is able to use us no matter what situation we come from, what our past is like.
The next morning we were asked to wake up at 5am and go down to the Sea of Galilee and have some quiet time with God. I got down there and a few verses were opened up to me, Psalm 106:4, Remember me O Lord, when you show favor to your people, come to my aid when you save them that I may enjoy the prosperity of your chosen ones, that I may share in the joy of your nation.” Psalm 33:4, For the word of the Lord is right and true, he is faithful in all He does. Psalm 34:4, I sough the Lord and He answered me, He delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 31:3-5, Since you are my rock and fortress for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit redeem me O Lord the God of the Torah.
It was in this time that I heard God telling me to let go. I felt as if I had let go of everything. I have given over not knowing what’s in store for me in the next year, I’ve given up working on achieving a career in acting, I’ve given up the ideas of a “normal” life and sold out to the fact that I may never have anything else brand new and I may be entering into a life that is extremely frightening and probably not “successful” in the world’s view. BUT, there was one thing I was refusing to take my death grip off of. It is a cause of much stress, tears and fear. It was holding me back from fully surrendering myself to Him. As I was sitting there where Yeshua had walked, close to where He may have called Simon and Andrew to be fishers of men I knew that I wasn’t completely following Him. I was holding out on Him. I had to surrender and let it go. I finally realized that He wants me despite of my inability to get Him, in spite of my failures and my fears. I knew that I had to cut that last rope. That last thing I was holding onto. These things have taken years to shed. But 5 years later and I have finally gotten rid of all of the cords that were tying me to myself. God is enthralled by each of us. He finds our beauty to have no comparison. This was the morning of my 27th birthday. This birthday had so much more meaning than just turning a year older. This was a brand new birth.
Justin also talked about how we treat the people who are so different than us. In the two stories where the thousands of people were fed with few loaves and fish there is a huge lesson here. The first time it happened the disciples were in their own land, the Jewish side of the Galilee. One day had gone by and the disciples were worried about getting food for the people who had been listening to Yeshua teach. Yeshua gets the two fish and the five loaves and feeds the 5000 people. Then they cross the lake and go to the Gentile side. THREE DAYS PASS that Yeshua teaches and the people listen. The disciples are not even the least bit concerned that the people have not eaten in three days. It takes Yeshua asking how much bread they have. He says that He has compassion for them and that the disciples should feed them. The disciples ask the dumbest question, they want to know where they can get that much food they only have 7 loaves of bread. Yeshua just a few days before had fed 5000 people and this was only 4000 and this time the disciples at least had some food to work with. I suppose they had just "forgotten" that it was Yeshua who had just a few days before taken some bread and some fish and fed 5000 full with leftovers. God knew there would be leftovers, He wanted us to know that He will always provide. When God provides there is always leftovers. We need to learn to go out of our way to provide for the people who are so different from ourselves.
Justin also taught on when God spoke to Moses and said His own name. Moses recorded it as YHWH or Yahweh, the Hebrew letters of this are ×™ (yud) ×” (hey) ו (vav) ×” (hey). There has been some speculation about when God said His name if it wasn’t actually His breath. That Moses actually heard God’s breath. Is God in the rustling of the wind in the branches? Is that actually God dwelling amongst us? Is that His presence when you hear the leaves shake?
We also talked about the woman who was healed of bleeding by Yeshua. She was unclean and therefore she couldn’t touch anything. This made her an outcast. She couldn’t sit anywhere, touch anybody, nothing. She pushed through a crowd, touching everyone to get to the one man she knew could heal her. She had massive faith. Sure there had to be some moments of fear. She had to have thought what if this didn’t work? What if He isn’t who he says he is? What if I’m stoned for this? In this day she would have been killed for touching a Rabbi with her state. She made a huge leap of faith because she believed He was the only one who could heal her. She believed touching Him alone would heal her. She was right. Because of her amazing faith she was healed.
On Sunday we did immersions in the Jordan River if you so chose. This was one of the things that really led me to want to go on this trip. I prayed about it the night before and I just knew that this was something God was calling me to do. That night I began to have small nightmares before I fell asleep where I was falling off of a cliff into a deep abyss. This assured me that I had to let go. I had to trust that when I stepped off of that cliff God was going to be there to catch me. If I didn’t take that step something may come along to push me off. I let go and I wanted it to be official. I wanted to show God that I was committed. I was His, all His. I thought that I had given it all up but I knew deep down that this thing was holding me back from being used the way He wants to use me. So I released it. I submitted myself to Him and His will. I publicly professed that I had nothing now, God could finally use me the way He wanted to. I am no longer holding myself back.
While we were at the Sea of Galilee we went to a retreat center called Beit Bracha. There were two ladies there from New Zealand. They both had such a peace about them. I want to be that woman in Proverbs 31 that is peaceful yet strong, vulnerable yet protective. I want to be the woman that can bring honour to her household. When I do get married I want my husband to be looked upon highly. I want to bring happiness and adventure to every day of our lives. God is slowly changing my heart and my desires to match His. I see glimpses of this woman and the glimpses are slowly turning into my reality. I put all my trust in Yeshua for He has rescued me before and I know that my life is best in His hands. He is my saviour, my romancer and the keeper of my heart. There is truly no one like Him, and I choose to believe.
May you discover God’s abounding love. May you know that He loves you whether you don’t feel worthy or whether you don’t believe He’s even there. May you have the courage to step forward when the risks are too great and the “what if’s” outweigh your faith. And may the love of Yeshua fill your life with great joy and hope for all your days to come.
ISRAEL BLOG #3
July 15th, 2009
It is truly amazing how when doing things like this days and dates seem to slip from memory. I have had to double sometimes triple check each day to know the day of the week and the day. I know them more by where we were or where we are going.
Tuesday we woke up early and had breakfast at the Tel Aviv City Hotel and then walked over to Shepherd’s Light ministry center. This center is ran by Calvary Chapel and also has connections with Chosen People Ministries through a gentleman named Brian Slater. While we were here the team split up and the majority began cleaning up the living area and designing a curtain to hang as well as cleaning floors and organizing areas. I was able with a few other team members to go up and hang out in the cafe to chat with the people coming in. These people are low income or homeless. They can come to this center twice a week to get food and a message. They can pick up clothes as well as other things they may need. It was such an amazing experience. I had the pleasure of sitting with Mary who did not speak any English only Hebrew and a gentleman named Avram who spoke both English and Hebrew. I was able to carry on a broken Hebrew conversation with Mary and Avram. Avram helped me learn a few new words also. It was such a blessing. Lunch time came around and Justin our team leader gave us some money to take these people out to lunch. So Nancy, my roommate on this trip and I took Avram and another lady Yasmine out to Aroma a coffee shop chain much like Starbucks. (side note* I have become addicted to this place and their iced coffee) We bought lunch for our new friends and sat and talked to them for an hour or so. It was so lovely. I truly believe that people just want to be heard. We all have amazing stories and lessons that we can share with one another if we would only take the time to listen. Avram was such a lovely man with such a vivacious personality. He was smiley and just a complete joy to be around. He was indeed the perfect lunch date! Yasmine had so many opinions and she was so grateful and loving. After lunch we went back and we all helped put the finishing touches on the center. I got back and asked what I could do to help and was sent to clean bathrooms. Many of you know that I DO NOT CLEAN BATHROOMS! I have not taken many a serving job because of that very reason. But when you are doing something like this it just doesn’t matter. That’s not a remark said through a forced smile that is the love that can only come through Papa. I have been praying that I would die to myself a little more each day and live His love out.
After Shepherd’s Light we went to the Dugit center where we learned about their ministry. They are a Messianic ministry. They have a coffee shop at this location. They are there to answer questions about Messianic beliefs as well as love on people and help get them the things they need. There are books there that are free for taking and people to talk to about life. We took a few books with us and were on our way back to the hotel. When we got back Justin had asked us to go out on the beach and spend some time evangelizing. Well anyone who knows me knows that this is not my strong suit nor is it my belief. I am not keen on handing out fliers, nor am I keen on “selling” Jesus. I was so frustrated about this request that I began automatically talking myself out of it. I paired up with another girl on the trip, Krystal. We walked the beach and I couldn’t find anyone I felt like talking to. I began praying that Papa would bring someone to me that was ready to hear about Him and that had been searching. No one came. I lost Krystal and began walking by myself. I stumbled upon Matt who is the worship leader on this trip. Those of you that know me well or not even so well know that I don’t hold back so I immediately told him how unhappy I was with this request. His reply, “let’s walk and talk about it.” He was really helpful at making light of my fears without trivializing them. We ran into Krystal and we found two girls on the beach playing this game called, “motkote”. It is a cross between tennis and ping pong. Everyone here plays it on the beach, and it is so much fun. I was getting decent at it. We stayed and played with them and took pictures all together and exchanged facebook pages. We asked them what they thought of Christians coming here and Yeshua. Their reply was awesome and what I believe my generation to believe. Katia said, “ I believe everyone should believe what they believe.” While of course as a believer in Yeshua I want everyone to find that same love that has captured my heart, I hold fast to knowing that a heart that is in the mode of acceptance is easier for Him to reveal himself to. Please keep Katia and Shlomeet in your prayers as they are entering the IDF this year and will be serving their country.
That evening we had a group meeting and Justin asked us what we had all thought about the day. I stayed quiet knowing that I am not big on evangelism and always feel fake when I am doing it. As Matt said earlier that day to me, “like a used car salesman, What’s it gonna take to get you into Jesus?” Must be said with slimy smile. (side note* I have many wonderful friends who have made great careers as used car salesman - that company excluded just stick with me for the illustration ;)) That night I had waited at the hotel for my friend to bring me some stuff I had left at his house after he left I walked down to the beach to look for the group. I passed by an orthodox man who was handing out booklets. He came up to me in a wave of Hebrew that I understood probably about 1/8th of being that he was speaking so quickly and that he surprised me. I quickly asked him in Hebrew if he could please talk in English. He repeated everything in English and told me that he was collecting money for this Jewish group so that they could take the money and help the homeless. I gave him a few sheckles and he handed me the booklet that was all in Hebrew. I told him I couldn’t read it and he said, “even if you don’t read it, God bless you.” He walked away and I continued down the beach. Then I felt the nagging urge to turn around. I had been praying all day for someone to approach me. I had a book in my bag about an Orthodox man who had after reading the New Testament began to recognize Jesus as the Messiah. I turned around and quickly walked after the man praying that if this was indeed what God wanted me to do he would protect me. I have heard so many stories of Orthodox spitting on Christians or worse beating them up. I got to him and handed him the book and said, “even if you don’t read, God bless you.” He opened it up and looked at it. He asked me what it was, I told him I was a Christian and that the book was for him. He asked me if I had more book with me. I did and I am guessing that he wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking my last one. He smiled a very sweet smile and said just, “thank you.” It was magical. I walked away and these two boys gave me a hard time about walking past them twice. I sat down and began to talk to them we were talking about a cave in the Torah and I had pulled out my Bible only to try and find this cave they were talking about. These two gentleman approached and asked if I had questions about the Torah. I got nervous thinking these two men have seen me with my Bible open talking to two minors and they are probably with the Orthodox man I gave the book to and they are coming to “take care of me”. I was terrified, my heart was beating almost out of my chest. They sat down next to me and explained that the story I was looking for was when David hid from King Saul in the cave. The younger boys left and these two gentleman and I had an hour long conversation about God and religion. I realized about 1/3 of the way into the conversation that these men were not at all affiliated with the Orthodox man and had literally just walked up on me just as I had prayed for. At the end of our conversation I gave them two free coffee vouchers for Dugit which they knew as well as a copy of a book on Grace we had been given and a New Testament. When the one man held the New Testament he said, “Is this the New Testament? I’ve never held this before or seen one.” That is amazing to me. I don’t know if they will respond to Jesus. However, I do know that I saw God answer my prayer in a matter of hours. I wanted Him to bring me someone and for this I believe that these men were ready and searching. God is amazing and mysterious.
The next morning we got up and packed up the bus to drive to Natanya and then Nahariya. In Netanya we saw the Joseph Project. This is an organization that assists a town in Israel called Sderot. It is right on the West Bank border and they see a lot of attacks. This ministry helps clothe them as well as give them daily necessities. Their warehouse is quite amazing. We then drove over to a children’s hospital in Natanya to give out stuffed animals to sick children. I met a little 8 month old baby named Mayan who was in the hospital with a bladder infection. I was born with these infections and had to have surgery later in life to fix the complication. It was quite amazing to meet a little baby who had the same problem. The children here range in sickness. We went to the next floor up which had kids in more severe cases and the parents seemed so happy to see their kids smile when my roommate Nancy came in as Happy the Clown. It was a joy to see their faces light up and to give them a moment to escape the present situation.
That afternoon we drove over to Haifa to a retirement home for Messianic Jewish and Arab believers. While at Ebenezer we heard the stories of two of the people who live there. Dee an American who made Aliya in the 70’s had quite an amazing story. She has lived through so much and still has a heart that is joyful. She runs a ministry off of her computer since she can’t go far. She is an amazing woman. Her story brought tears to my eyes and I couldn’t hold them back. I found things she said resonating in me. Struggles that she has that I can identify with. I am learning the more I go along that we are all so similar in many ways. Our feelings and emotions are all created in the image of our creator and therefore while the mold may be different or the ingredients slightly changed we have the same components. We should be more patient with each other. We should realize that anyone’s situation could become our own. Then Heinz who escaped the Holocaust by a few months told his story. He studied with Frederick BonHoeffer. Heinz had such a love for the Lord and his story was both heart warming and encouraging.
After the retirement home we went back to the hotel and had some dinner. We then went to the Lebanese/Israeli border. The views were incredible. This truly is an incredible part of the world. This was an incredibly emotional day for me.
On Thursday morning when we woke up we drove back to Netanya to a children’s home there. There were 210 kids that live there. This place was absolutely incredible. Yehuda Cohen and his wife have run this shelter for the last 20 years. These are children who are either court ordered or whose parents cannot take care of them. It is a sad situation. However, amidst all the sadness there is a sense of hope here. The Cohens have done an incredible job along with their director, Annat. These kids are being raised with dignity and self respect. They are concerned with the children’s hygiene so that upon entering school they are not labeled as the “poor” kids. We had the chance to go outside and play with the children. They were such a blessing. Their “backyard” was incredible, there was the blow up jumpy things that kids like to jump on. There were three of them! It was so much fun to get out there and to be a kid with them.
After the children’s home we went to the beach which was supposed to be the “best” beach Naharia had to offer. Well if this is the “best” Naharia needs to seriously step it up! It was pretty bad. One of the girls on the trip got a really uncomfortable jellyfish sting causing her to sprint out of the water. However, while we were there Phil and Vicki Wright a married couple on the trip were able to sit and talk with a couple. They were able to talk to them about Yeshua and it was a great seed. An Arab Muslim man stopped by to play ultimate frisbee with a few of our team members and asked to be facebook friends with Justin. It was a really incredible experience that made the terrible beach and the one bad jellyfish sting all worth it.
On the way home we had an encounter with IDF soldiers and Saba Ben later pointed out that we witnessed a miracle. In the Tenak there were three dispersions of the Jewish people. Two of these dispersions have the collection of Jewish people back to the land. In the last 200 years we have seen the promise of the third dispersion to be collected back. The fact that their is now an Israeli army shows that God’s promise to His people is active.
Please continue to keep Sharon, Opher, Katia, Shlomeet, Avram, Nahum and Avraham in your prayers as well as the entire nation of Israel and God’s people. God is doing awesome things in this part of the world.
Please keep me in your prayers as God is changing some things in my heart. I am looking for a way to stay here in Israel for August before my internship starts in September. I sent out an email this week and we will see what the return on it is. There are so many places we are going to that could lead to some volunteer work. I would need to also find a job while I’m here possibly tutoring in English or something else. I would prefer not to wait tables again. I feel it is time for me to focus on other talents God has given me. I am excited about what it is that God is doing in my heart and in my circumstances. I am excited about what it is He is doing yet, I find myself getting frustrated with the timing. I feel I’m ready now but I do know that God is still preparing my heart for what it is he wants to do. I am willing but anxious. Please pray for a calmness to enter my spirit. Maybe more my acceptance of the calm.
God is teaching me so much through the people on this trip as well as the people we encounter each day. I am proud to be a believer in Yeshua and even more proud to be finally following what it is He is asking me to do. I have ran for so long and to be facing His will and His promises feels incredible. There is a peacefulness in this. Shalom.
Jessa
It is truly amazing how when doing things like this days and dates seem to slip from memory. I have had to double sometimes triple check each day to know the day of the week and the day. I know them more by where we were or where we are going.
Tuesday we woke up early and had breakfast at the Tel Aviv City Hotel and then walked over to Shepherd’s Light ministry center. This center is ran by Calvary Chapel and also has connections with Chosen People Ministries through a gentleman named Brian Slater. While we were here the team split up and the majority began cleaning up the living area and designing a curtain to hang as well as cleaning floors and organizing areas. I was able with a few other team members to go up and hang out in the cafe to chat with the people coming in. These people are low income or homeless. They can come to this center twice a week to get food and a message. They can pick up clothes as well as other things they may need. It was such an amazing experience. I had the pleasure of sitting with Mary who did not speak any English only Hebrew and a gentleman named Avram who spoke both English and Hebrew. I was able to carry on a broken Hebrew conversation with Mary and Avram. Avram helped me learn a few new words also. It was such a blessing. Lunch time came around and Justin our team leader gave us some money to take these people out to lunch. So Nancy, my roommate on this trip and I took Avram and another lady Yasmine out to Aroma a coffee shop chain much like Starbucks. (side note* I have become addicted to this place and their iced coffee) We bought lunch for our new friends and sat and talked to them for an hour or so. It was so lovely. I truly believe that people just want to be heard. We all have amazing stories and lessons that we can share with one another if we would only take the time to listen. Avram was such a lovely man with such a vivacious personality. He was smiley and just a complete joy to be around. He was indeed the perfect lunch date! Yasmine had so many opinions and she was so grateful and loving. After lunch we went back and we all helped put the finishing touches on the center. I got back and asked what I could do to help and was sent to clean bathrooms. Many of you know that I DO NOT CLEAN BATHROOMS! I have not taken many a serving job because of that very reason. But when you are doing something like this it just doesn’t matter. That’s not a remark said through a forced smile that is the love that can only come through Papa. I have been praying that I would die to myself a little more each day and live His love out.
After Shepherd’s Light we went to the Dugit center where we learned about their ministry. They are a Messianic ministry. They have a coffee shop at this location. They are there to answer questions about Messianic beliefs as well as love on people and help get them the things they need. There are books there that are free for taking and people to talk to about life. We took a few books with us and were on our way back to the hotel. When we got back Justin had asked us to go out on the beach and spend some time evangelizing. Well anyone who knows me knows that this is not my strong suit nor is it my belief. I am not keen on handing out fliers, nor am I keen on “selling” Jesus. I was so frustrated about this request that I began automatically talking myself out of it. I paired up with another girl on the trip, Krystal. We walked the beach and I couldn’t find anyone I felt like talking to. I began praying that Papa would bring someone to me that was ready to hear about Him and that had been searching. No one came. I lost Krystal and began walking by myself. I stumbled upon Matt who is the worship leader on this trip. Those of you that know me well or not even so well know that I don’t hold back so I immediately told him how unhappy I was with this request. His reply, “let’s walk and talk about it.” He was really helpful at making light of my fears without trivializing them. We ran into Krystal and we found two girls on the beach playing this game called, “motkote”. It is a cross between tennis and ping pong. Everyone here plays it on the beach, and it is so much fun. I was getting decent at it. We stayed and played with them and took pictures all together and exchanged facebook pages. We asked them what they thought of Christians coming here and Yeshua. Their reply was awesome and what I believe my generation to believe. Katia said, “ I believe everyone should believe what they believe.” While of course as a believer in Yeshua I want everyone to find that same love that has captured my heart, I hold fast to knowing that a heart that is in the mode of acceptance is easier for Him to reveal himself to. Please keep Katia and Shlomeet in your prayers as they are entering the IDF this year and will be serving their country.
That evening we had a group meeting and Justin asked us what we had all thought about the day. I stayed quiet knowing that I am not big on evangelism and always feel fake when I am doing it. As Matt said earlier that day to me, “like a used car salesman, What’s it gonna take to get you into Jesus?” Must be said with slimy smile. (side note* I have many wonderful friends who have made great careers as used car salesman - that company excluded just stick with me for the illustration ;)) That night I had waited at the hotel for my friend to bring me some stuff I had left at his house after he left I walked down to the beach to look for the group. I passed by an orthodox man who was handing out booklets. He came up to me in a wave of Hebrew that I understood probably about 1/8th of being that he was speaking so quickly and that he surprised me. I quickly asked him in Hebrew if he could please talk in English. He repeated everything in English and told me that he was collecting money for this Jewish group so that they could take the money and help the homeless. I gave him a few sheckles and he handed me the booklet that was all in Hebrew. I told him I couldn’t read it and he said, “even if you don’t read it, God bless you.” He walked away and I continued down the beach. Then I felt the nagging urge to turn around. I had been praying all day for someone to approach me. I had a book in my bag about an Orthodox man who had after reading the New Testament began to recognize Jesus as the Messiah. I turned around and quickly walked after the man praying that if this was indeed what God wanted me to do he would protect me. I have heard so many stories of Orthodox spitting on Christians or worse beating them up. I got to him and handed him the book and said, “even if you don’t read, God bless you.” He opened it up and looked at it. He asked me what it was, I told him I was a Christian and that the book was for him. He asked me if I had more book with me. I did and I am guessing that he wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking my last one. He smiled a very sweet smile and said just, “thank you.” It was magical. I walked away and these two boys gave me a hard time about walking past them twice. I sat down and began to talk to them we were talking about a cave in the Torah and I had pulled out my Bible only to try and find this cave they were talking about. These two gentleman approached and asked if I had questions about the Torah. I got nervous thinking these two men have seen me with my Bible open talking to two minors and they are probably with the Orthodox man I gave the book to and they are coming to “take care of me”. I was terrified, my heart was beating almost out of my chest. They sat down next to me and explained that the story I was looking for was when David hid from King Saul in the cave. The younger boys left and these two gentleman and I had an hour long conversation about God and religion. I realized about 1/3 of the way into the conversation that these men were not at all affiliated with the Orthodox man and had literally just walked up on me just as I had prayed for. At the end of our conversation I gave them two free coffee vouchers for Dugit which they knew as well as a copy of a book on Grace we had been given and a New Testament. When the one man held the New Testament he said, “Is this the New Testament? I’ve never held this before or seen one.” That is amazing to me. I don’t know if they will respond to Jesus. However, I do know that I saw God answer my prayer in a matter of hours. I wanted Him to bring me someone and for this I believe that these men were ready and searching. God is amazing and mysterious.
The next morning we got up and packed up the bus to drive to Natanya and then Nahariya. In Netanya we saw the Joseph Project. This is an organization that assists a town in Israel called Sderot. It is right on the West Bank border and they see a lot of attacks. This ministry helps clothe them as well as give them daily necessities. Their warehouse is quite amazing. We then drove over to a children’s hospital in Natanya to give out stuffed animals to sick children. I met a little 8 month old baby named Mayan who was in the hospital with a bladder infection. I was born with these infections and had to have surgery later in life to fix the complication. It was quite amazing to meet a little baby who had the same problem. The children here range in sickness. We went to the next floor up which had kids in more severe cases and the parents seemed so happy to see their kids smile when my roommate Nancy came in as Happy the Clown. It was a joy to see their faces light up and to give them a moment to escape the present situation.
That afternoon we drove over to Haifa to a retirement home for Messianic Jewish and Arab believers. While at Ebenezer we heard the stories of two of the people who live there. Dee an American who made Aliya in the 70’s had quite an amazing story. She has lived through so much and still has a heart that is joyful. She runs a ministry off of her computer since she can’t go far. She is an amazing woman. Her story brought tears to my eyes and I couldn’t hold them back. I found things she said resonating in me. Struggles that she has that I can identify with. I am learning the more I go along that we are all so similar in many ways. Our feelings and emotions are all created in the image of our creator and therefore while the mold may be different or the ingredients slightly changed we have the same components. We should be more patient with each other. We should realize that anyone’s situation could become our own. Then Heinz who escaped the Holocaust by a few months told his story. He studied with Frederick BonHoeffer. Heinz had such a love for the Lord and his story was both heart warming and encouraging.
After the retirement home we went back to the hotel and had some dinner. We then went to the Lebanese/Israeli border. The views were incredible. This truly is an incredible part of the world. This was an incredibly emotional day for me.
On Thursday morning when we woke up we drove back to Netanya to a children’s home there. There were 210 kids that live there. This place was absolutely incredible. Yehuda Cohen and his wife have run this shelter for the last 20 years. These are children who are either court ordered or whose parents cannot take care of them. It is a sad situation. However, amidst all the sadness there is a sense of hope here. The Cohens have done an incredible job along with their director, Annat. These kids are being raised with dignity and self respect. They are concerned with the children’s hygiene so that upon entering school they are not labeled as the “poor” kids. We had the chance to go outside and play with the children. They were such a blessing. Their “backyard” was incredible, there was the blow up jumpy things that kids like to jump on. There were three of them! It was so much fun to get out there and to be a kid with them.
After the children’s home we went to the beach which was supposed to be the “best” beach Naharia had to offer. Well if this is the “best” Naharia needs to seriously step it up! It was pretty bad. One of the girls on the trip got a really uncomfortable jellyfish sting causing her to sprint out of the water. However, while we were there Phil and Vicki Wright a married couple on the trip were able to sit and talk with a couple. They were able to talk to them about Yeshua and it was a great seed. An Arab Muslim man stopped by to play ultimate frisbee with a few of our team members and asked to be facebook friends with Justin. It was a really incredible experience that made the terrible beach and the one bad jellyfish sting all worth it.
On the way home we had an encounter with IDF soldiers and Saba Ben later pointed out that we witnessed a miracle. In the Tenak there were three dispersions of the Jewish people. Two of these dispersions have the collection of Jewish people back to the land. In the last 200 years we have seen the promise of the third dispersion to be collected back. The fact that their is now an Israeli army shows that God’s promise to His people is active.
Please continue to keep Sharon, Opher, Katia, Shlomeet, Avram, Nahum and Avraham in your prayers as well as the entire nation of Israel and God’s people. God is doing awesome things in this part of the world.
Please keep me in your prayers as God is changing some things in my heart. I am looking for a way to stay here in Israel for August before my internship starts in September. I sent out an email this week and we will see what the return on it is. There are so many places we are going to that could lead to some volunteer work. I would need to also find a job while I’m here possibly tutoring in English or something else. I would prefer not to wait tables again. I feel it is time for me to focus on other talents God has given me. I am excited about what it is that God is doing in my heart and in my circumstances. I am excited about what it is He is doing yet, I find myself getting frustrated with the timing. I feel I’m ready now but I do know that God is still preparing my heart for what it is he wants to do. I am willing but anxious. Please pray for a calmness to enter my spirit. Maybe more my acceptance of the calm.
God is teaching me so much through the people on this trip as well as the people we encounter each day. I am proud to be a believer in Yeshua and even more proud to be finally following what it is He is asking me to do. I have ran for so long and to be facing His will and His promises feels incredible. There is a peacefulness in this. Shalom.
Jessa
ISRAEL BLOG #2
July 11th
I arrived in Tel Aviv on Thursday evening and was impressed from the minute I landed. Due to my buddy pass I flew business which may have set my trip up for success. My friend Sharon met me at the airport and then my other friend Opher picked us up at the train station on his vespa complete with a sidecar! We were quite the sight riding past Rabin square with my luggage and Sharon in the sidecar. Sharon made many a friend at the stop lights. They would roll down their window to talk with her and since my Hebrew is not so good I just smiled and nodded. We arrived at Opher’s house and then he and I went to get a falafel at his favourite restaurant. Let me just say it was incredible! Hands down the best falafel I have EVER had. Tel Aviv is so much like NYC or Miami. I thought it would be so different. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting but this is so much better than my imagination. Everyone here is so kind and trusting of one another. It’s quite amazing. On Friday two Canadian friends of Opher’s came into town and the five of us went sightseeing. We went to Dizengoff St. and to the mall there. There is a huge international food event there every weekend. People from all nationalities cook food and bring it to this mall and setup shop. Sharon led me to the Persian area and we had some rice and chicken along with something that looked like collard greens but had a tangier flavour. It was really yummy. Then we all went to Nahalat Binyamin to see the arts and crafts festival. Friday afternoon everything shuts down around 5 o’clock for Shabbat. Very few things run in Tel Aviv. The city is not very lively until around 10pm. The Canadians and I walked to a neighbourhood called, Neve Tzedek. This neighbourhood is known for it’s architecture and is quite lovely. The Shalom Meyer tower is there. This is also where Rothschild street begins. We had a lovely dinner at a cute little sandwich shop and spent 3 hours on the patio discussing politics and religion. We then strolled back to Opher’s house on the way back we saw an outdoor sushi stand that we had heard about. It was packed! Next to the sushi bar was a few kids playing rock n’ roll. People were gathered all around just to listen. They were actually really talented kids.
The next morning was Shabbat and after having coffee with the Canadians and sending them off to Jerusalem I made my first trip by myself down to the local supermarket to get some fruit and then did what everyone in Tel Aviv does on Shabbat. . . went to the beach!! I had to sit under an umbrella the whole time but it was fantastic! The weather was beautiful and I met some of Sharon’s friends. They were lovely people who spoke some English and taught me some more Hebrew. I have been asking everyone to speak half and half with me. I am calling this Hebrish or in Hebrew, Angvrit. It’s working out well. I am definitely finding that listening to the radio and hearing people talk actually sounds like a language now. Prior to coming here it just sounded overwhelming and like gibberish. Now I can pick out words I know or words that sound like words I know. I am able to ask for directions in Hebrew and for things in restaurants. I’m already surpassing the knowledge I had when I got here. I have learned a ton of new verbs and nouns.
I have not met any religious friction like I was afraid of. I was a little nervous that if Jesus were to come up they would be done with me. Everyone has been very accepting of my beliefs which reassures me why I love this group of people so very much. It has been a true blessing. In fact on the beach today Sharon’s friend, Reina was telling me that she doesn’t know much about Christianity and would like to know what we believe. We didn’t go any further but I do sense a bit that maybe they only know what is sensationalized. There is a lot of misunderstanding on both sides. I feel like I am learning this to help clear up these misunderstandings. Without them I would not have my Jesus. Through studying their religion it has brought me closer to Him.
Later that day Sharon took me to a traditional Israeli breakfast. Here they eat breakfast at any time. We chose 7pm. It was fantastic. They give you a ton of little side dishes like, avocado, salmon, tuna, cream cheese, goat cheese, jam and butter and some eggs and Israeli salad. You just kind of put together whatever you want. The cheese here tastes so different. It doesn’t have any of the aftertaste I’m accustomed to. It is creamy and smooth. At dinner-breakfast Sharon and I had a great talk about our beliefs. She still doesn’t understand how someone can be Jewish and believe in Jesus. She agrees it would be harder to be my friend if I were Jewish. I told her that is the one reason I am glad for not being Jewish, I struggle to think of more. Everyone keeps asking me when I will convert. I have to keep telling them that I love their beliefs, their language and their Torah but I am captivated by Jesus.
So far this trip has been so educational and opportunistic. I was able to share my beliefs with the Canadian travelers, Opher and a ton of Sharon’s friends. I hope that through sharing I am able to clear up some misconceptions about Christians.
I wish that I could send out pictures but today at the beach my camera slipped out of my bag. I’m quite devastated but am trying to not beat myself up about it and just deal with the situation. I can’t let myself think about it to much or I get really upset. I had some good pictures on there and I worked hard to buy this camera. I know that it is only money but the pictures can’t be replaced.
I wrote this and then my friend Opher offered his camera to me last night. Everyone here is so incredibly kind and I am overwhelmed by a sense of trust that vibrates throughout this city. There isn’t a large fear of pick pocketing or crimes in any sense.
Today I walked from Tel Aviv proper to Joppa where Jonah and the whale took place. I met up with the group there and then we came back to the hotel for dinner. Justin had a lesson for us afterwards. We talked about how in Yeshua’s times the rabbis would have many students and by the time of 10 they would have the Torah memorized. Then the rabbis would pick the best of the best. If you didn’t make the cut you went back to do your family’s occupation. So when Jesus came walking by the Kenneret or The Sea of Gallilee (as we refer to it) that day, Simon and Peter were not the best of the best. This is amazing! Jesus wants the ones of us who aren’t the best of the best. Which is all of us. I also find interesting that Rabbis in this day did not search out their talmudim or disciples. The students sought out which Rabbi they wanted to follow, but Jesus did. He sought out these men just as I believe He seeks each one of us out. He searches my heart until He finds me, until I rest in Him. Yeshua does not let go nor does He give up on me. I may not be the best of the best but He sees me as a prize.
May you rest in knowing that in our father’s eyes you are a prize. May your heart feel captured and your spirit find rest. May the day to day problems fade away when you hear Him calling to you out in the midst of your life and may you have the courage to drop your nets and follow Him.
I arrived in Tel Aviv on Thursday evening and was impressed from the minute I landed. Due to my buddy pass I flew business which may have set my trip up for success. My friend Sharon met me at the airport and then my other friend Opher picked us up at the train station on his vespa complete with a sidecar! We were quite the sight riding past Rabin square with my luggage and Sharon in the sidecar. Sharon made many a friend at the stop lights. They would roll down their window to talk with her and since my Hebrew is not so good I just smiled and nodded. We arrived at Opher’s house and then he and I went to get a falafel at his favourite restaurant. Let me just say it was incredible! Hands down the best falafel I have EVER had. Tel Aviv is so much like NYC or Miami. I thought it would be so different. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting but this is so much better than my imagination. Everyone here is so kind and trusting of one another. It’s quite amazing. On Friday two Canadian friends of Opher’s came into town and the five of us went sightseeing. We went to Dizengoff St. and to the mall there. There is a huge international food event there every weekend. People from all nationalities cook food and bring it to this mall and setup shop. Sharon led me to the Persian area and we had some rice and chicken along with something that looked like collard greens but had a tangier flavour. It was really yummy. Then we all went to Nahalat Binyamin to see the arts and crafts festival. Friday afternoon everything shuts down around 5 o’clock for Shabbat. Very few things run in Tel Aviv. The city is not very lively until around 10pm. The Canadians and I walked to a neighbourhood called, Neve Tzedek. This neighbourhood is known for it’s architecture and is quite lovely. The Shalom Meyer tower is there. This is also where Rothschild street begins. We had a lovely dinner at a cute little sandwich shop and spent 3 hours on the patio discussing politics and religion. We then strolled back to Opher’s house on the way back we saw an outdoor sushi stand that we had heard about. It was packed! Next to the sushi bar was a few kids playing rock n’ roll. People were gathered all around just to listen. They were actually really talented kids.
The next morning was Shabbat and after having coffee with the Canadians and sending them off to Jerusalem I made my first trip by myself down to the local supermarket to get some fruit and then did what everyone in Tel Aviv does on Shabbat. . . went to the beach!! I had to sit under an umbrella the whole time but it was fantastic! The weather was beautiful and I met some of Sharon’s friends. They were lovely people who spoke some English and taught me some more Hebrew. I have been asking everyone to speak half and half with me. I am calling this Hebrish or in Hebrew, Angvrit. It’s working out well. I am definitely finding that listening to the radio and hearing people talk actually sounds like a language now. Prior to coming here it just sounded overwhelming and like gibberish. Now I can pick out words I know or words that sound like words I know. I am able to ask for directions in Hebrew and for things in restaurants. I’m already surpassing the knowledge I had when I got here. I have learned a ton of new verbs and nouns.
I have not met any religious friction like I was afraid of. I was a little nervous that if Jesus were to come up they would be done with me. Everyone has been very accepting of my beliefs which reassures me why I love this group of people so very much. It has been a true blessing. In fact on the beach today Sharon’s friend, Reina was telling me that she doesn’t know much about Christianity and would like to know what we believe. We didn’t go any further but I do sense a bit that maybe they only know what is sensationalized. There is a lot of misunderstanding on both sides. I feel like I am learning this to help clear up these misunderstandings. Without them I would not have my Jesus. Through studying their religion it has brought me closer to Him.
Later that day Sharon took me to a traditional Israeli breakfast. Here they eat breakfast at any time. We chose 7pm. It was fantastic. They give you a ton of little side dishes like, avocado, salmon, tuna, cream cheese, goat cheese, jam and butter and some eggs and Israeli salad. You just kind of put together whatever you want. The cheese here tastes so different. It doesn’t have any of the aftertaste I’m accustomed to. It is creamy and smooth. At dinner-breakfast Sharon and I had a great talk about our beliefs. She still doesn’t understand how someone can be Jewish and believe in Jesus. She agrees it would be harder to be my friend if I were Jewish. I told her that is the one reason I am glad for not being Jewish, I struggle to think of more. Everyone keeps asking me when I will convert. I have to keep telling them that I love their beliefs, their language and their Torah but I am captivated by Jesus.
So far this trip has been so educational and opportunistic. I was able to share my beliefs with the Canadian travelers, Opher and a ton of Sharon’s friends. I hope that through sharing I am able to clear up some misconceptions about Christians.
I wish that I could send out pictures but today at the beach my camera slipped out of my bag. I’m quite devastated but am trying to not beat myself up about it and just deal with the situation. I can’t let myself think about it to much or I get really upset. I had some good pictures on there and I worked hard to buy this camera. I know that it is only money but the pictures can’t be replaced.
I wrote this and then my friend Opher offered his camera to me last night. Everyone here is so incredibly kind and I am overwhelmed by a sense of trust that vibrates throughout this city. There isn’t a large fear of pick pocketing or crimes in any sense.
Today I walked from Tel Aviv proper to Joppa where Jonah and the whale took place. I met up with the group there and then we came back to the hotel for dinner. Justin had a lesson for us afterwards. We talked about how in Yeshua’s times the rabbis would have many students and by the time of 10 they would have the Torah memorized. Then the rabbis would pick the best of the best. If you didn’t make the cut you went back to do your family’s occupation. So when Jesus came walking by the Kenneret or The Sea of Gallilee (as we refer to it) that day, Simon and Peter were not the best of the best. This is amazing! Jesus wants the ones of us who aren’t the best of the best. Which is all of us. I also find interesting that Rabbis in this day did not search out their talmudim or disciples. The students sought out which Rabbi they wanted to follow, but Jesus did. He sought out these men just as I believe He seeks each one of us out. He searches my heart until He finds me, until I rest in Him. Yeshua does not let go nor does He give up on me. I may not be the best of the best but He sees me as a prize.
May you rest in knowing that in our father’s eyes you are a prize. May your heart feel captured and your spirit find rest. May the day to day problems fade away when you hear Him calling to you out in the midst of your life and may you have the courage to drop your nets and follow Him.
ISRAEL BLOG #1
will be in Israel! I began counting down at 127 days and it is hard to believe that it is finally here. Words cannot express how excited I am for this adventure. My friend Sharon whom I met in the states right before she went back to Israel had invited me over to Israel and I told her that there was no way that I could afford a trip like that. It would cost me way to much money, I had estimated the trip airfare and all to be around $3500. I told her that I was dead set on paying off debt right now and it would probably be a few years before I could do something like that. God is so awesome! When I got the information from Chosen People off the website it said the cost was $3500, I immediately wrote it off saying that I could never come up with that amount of money and that I would settle for the internship. The rent in NYC for the internship is only $300 a month and a metrocard is $81 a month. I could make that happen. Much to my amazement God had both planned for me. (Subsequently I learned this wasn’t about me making anything happen but about my Heavenly Father showing His mighty muscled arm! (Isaiah 52:7-10) My first donation was a buddy pass which brought my trip down to $2400, making me much more confident that this was God’s plan not mine. I told God early on that if this is what He wanted me to do that He was going to have to make it happen. I am a person that has a tendency to force things and I am growing weary of that way. Well, God manifested it all! I currently have all of the money raised for my trip as well as 1 mos. rent for the internship. My Heavenly Papa continues to wow me.
I can’t even begin to imagine how God is going to work in my heart through this trip. I have been reading the Gospels and am thrilled to soon be standing where it all took place. Justin Kron, the leader of the trip sent us a couple books to read before we take off and one of them is, The Gospel According to Moses by Athol Dickson. I encourage everyone to read this book. It is really changing my perception of how Christianity fits into Judaism or vice versa.
Lately, I feel that the enemy has really been on my case. I was really struggling with a few things and gave God a week to fix things or I would handle them the only way I knew how even if that meant giving up all these blessings He is raining upon me. I was done. I know that we are never supposed to give God ultimatums but I could no longer emotionally handle what was going on. I felt powerless and was struggling to keep afloat. The next day when I began to struggle I handed it all over to God and told Him that I was no longer going to try to fight the enemy because I just couldn’t do it any longer. I was weak and tired. It says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." We often confuse this with meaning He will not give us more than we can handle but when I actually looked the verse up in my moment of crying out to God I found it to say, “tempt” He will not tempt us. I found this to have a wow moment factor for me. He doesn’t guarantee we won’t be tempted, but He does guarantee a way out. However, not just a way out but the word says, "He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." It takes a lot of power to stand up under temptation. I think of the worlds strongest man competitions where the men pull cars by belts tied around their waists. This strength has always amazed me, most definitely because I am little and however strong I may be I will never be capable of achieving The Worlds Strongest Man title. (also because I'm a girl ;) but what I find amazing is that through the strength of our Heavenly Papa we are able to lift the semi of temptation above our heads and stand up underneath it. We have arms like Popeye! I began to claim this verse and when I went to bed that night I had a dream that I would like to share with you. I was cycling up Helen mountain up by my parents house and as dreams often do the turn for Toco Hills (the Jewish area of Atlanta) was right there. I had missed my turn and began to hit the steep part of the mountain. There were a few people walking at the base of the mountain but eventually I passed them and it was just me and the road. I usually enjoy rides like this but this ride was growing increasingly more difficult and just ahead of me was a tall, dark and attractive man. He was wearing a smile that was incredibly uneasy and was standing next to his bike. I cycled past him and kept struggling up the mountain and he and his icy smile began to follow me. I quickly remembered I hadn’t seen anyone in awhile and that I was headed to the top of this mountain and I would possibly be alone with him and I wasn’t sure I could protect myself. So I turned around and headed back and he was in the same place I had passed him. He tried to get in my way and I dodged around him and then skidded my bike to a halt. I turned around and told him with authority, “You need to go the other way.” I woke up right after that and my whole attitude has changed since then. I believe God gave me that dream to help me realize something I think a lot of us miss. We have power through Christ Jesus! We are not sitting ducks! The blood of Christ has redeemed me and the enemy has no stronghold over me. I am free and he is jealous of that. I find peace in him chasing me. That means that God is doing awesome things. It’s when I’m not being tempted that I should worry. When blessings are coming there are struggles beforehand. Yet, we were bought with a price, the price of God’s beloved Son. I have the right through that blood to tell the enemy to pick it up and move along. He has no dominion over me! We need to embrace that, hold tight and not let go! We serve a living God! A God who openly welcomes our questions, our fears and our cries to Him.
I am so grateful for what each one of you are contributing to the body of Christ. Whether I know you well or really not at all. I am blessed to have you in my circle and in my family of believers. I pray that each one of you are blessed through the works that our Heavenly Father is doing. May you walk in peace knowing that through the blood of Christ you have power. May you have the courage through that peace to tell the enemy to, “turn it around” with full knowledge that the power that lives in you is greater than the force that wages against you. Shalom.
I can’t even begin to imagine how God is going to work in my heart through this trip. I have been reading the Gospels and am thrilled to soon be standing where it all took place. Justin Kron, the leader of the trip sent us a couple books to read before we take off and one of them is, The Gospel According to Moses by Athol Dickson. I encourage everyone to read this book. It is really changing my perception of how Christianity fits into Judaism or vice versa.
Lately, I feel that the enemy has really been on my case. I was really struggling with a few things and gave God a week to fix things or I would handle them the only way I knew how even if that meant giving up all these blessings He is raining upon me. I was done. I know that we are never supposed to give God ultimatums but I could no longer emotionally handle what was going on. I felt powerless and was struggling to keep afloat. The next day when I began to struggle I handed it all over to God and told Him that I was no longer going to try to fight the enemy because I just couldn’t do it any longer. I was weak and tired. It says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." We often confuse this with meaning He will not give us more than we can handle but when I actually looked the verse up in my moment of crying out to God I found it to say, “tempt” He will not tempt us. I found this to have a wow moment factor for me. He doesn’t guarantee we won’t be tempted, but He does guarantee a way out. However, not just a way out but the word says, "He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." It takes a lot of power to stand up under temptation. I think of the worlds strongest man competitions where the men pull cars by belts tied around their waists. This strength has always amazed me, most definitely because I am little and however strong I may be I will never be capable of achieving The Worlds Strongest Man title. (also because I'm a girl ;) but what I find amazing is that through the strength of our Heavenly Papa we are able to lift the semi of temptation above our heads and stand up underneath it. We have arms like Popeye! I began to claim this verse and when I went to bed that night I had a dream that I would like to share with you. I was cycling up Helen mountain up by my parents house and as dreams often do the turn for Toco Hills (the Jewish area of Atlanta) was right there. I had missed my turn and began to hit the steep part of the mountain. There were a few people walking at the base of the mountain but eventually I passed them and it was just me and the road. I usually enjoy rides like this but this ride was growing increasingly more difficult and just ahead of me was a tall, dark and attractive man. He was wearing a smile that was incredibly uneasy and was standing next to his bike. I cycled past him and kept struggling up the mountain and he and his icy smile began to follow me. I quickly remembered I hadn’t seen anyone in awhile and that I was headed to the top of this mountain and I would possibly be alone with him and I wasn’t sure I could protect myself. So I turned around and headed back and he was in the same place I had passed him. He tried to get in my way and I dodged around him and then skidded my bike to a halt. I turned around and told him with authority, “You need to go the other way.” I woke up right after that and my whole attitude has changed since then. I believe God gave me that dream to help me realize something I think a lot of us miss. We have power through Christ Jesus! We are not sitting ducks! The blood of Christ has redeemed me and the enemy has no stronghold over me. I am free and he is jealous of that. I find peace in him chasing me. That means that God is doing awesome things. It’s when I’m not being tempted that I should worry. When blessings are coming there are struggles beforehand. Yet, we were bought with a price, the price of God’s beloved Son. I have the right through that blood to tell the enemy to pick it up and move along. He has no dominion over me! We need to embrace that, hold tight and not let go! We serve a living God! A God who openly welcomes our questions, our fears and our cries to Him.
I am so grateful for what each one of you are contributing to the body of Christ. Whether I know you well or really not at all. I am blessed to have you in my circle and in my family of believers. I pray that each one of you are blessed through the works that our Heavenly Father is doing. May you walk in peace knowing that through the blood of Christ you have power. May you have the courage through that peace to tell the enemy to, “turn it around” with full knowledge that the power that lives in you is greater than the force that wages against you. Shalom.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
If Grace is an Ocean we're all sinking!
God is so mysterious and amazing in the ways that He works. Earlier today I was on set for an industrial and got done earlier so I stopped by a coffee shop and was thinking of what to write in my blog seeing as I thought it was time for a new one. There is plenty going on that I would want or need to talk about but the one thing that has really been on my mind is my tongue. I mean not only my language but the junk that is laying waste in my heart and often times gets pushed out by my tongue. Verbal diarrhea. I recently got another tattoo on my foot that says, "How beautiful are the feet. . . Isa 52:7-10
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger bringing good news, Breaking the news that all's well,
proclaiming good times, announcing salvation, telling Zion, "Your God reigns!" Voices! Listen! Your scouts are shouting, thunderclap shouts, shouting in joyful unison. They see with their own eyes God coming back to Zion. Break into song! Boom it out, ruins of Jerusalem: "God has comforted his people! He's redeemed Jerusalem!" God has rolled up his sleeves.
All the nations can see his holy, muscled arm. Everyone, from one end of the earth to the other, sees him at work, doing his salvation work. THE MESSAGE version
I take these verses to mean so many things but in the area of my tongue I feel that it's not just my drop of the f bomb or my occasional curse word but it is the junk that lies in my heart. The jealousy, the egotism, the insecurities, this list goes on. This is the stuff I truly have to take a look at. I was going to write all of this as I was sitting at Brooklyn Bagel company when my computer battery died. I decided to stop by the Mac store and check on fixing my Iphone and than on back to Hiawassee. I got all the way to the dead end of 400 and then over to where it connects to 129, there is a produce stand I have passed by tons of times, Farmhouse Produce. Their slogan is, Almost famous, No awards yet! I pulled over to check the gmap app to see if there was a shortcut I had never discovered. That is when it happened, my car began steaming. WHAT! I just got through putting a ton of money into this car so that I could pay it off, get out of debt and do the Dave Ramsey no car payment for the next one. I had just been talking to a friend of mine earlier about how I was glad that I had just fixed it instead of buying a new car, seeing as how I'm leaving for Israel in July and NYC in September and would like to either have my car paid off or sold before this change of scenery. Then this happens, at that moment I felt there were two ways to handle this, getting really mad and poor poor pitiful me or I could accept the situation, assess it and deal. After all getting irate or feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to change a thing. So I went with the latter and called my dad explained the situation and decided to wait an hour before I poured water into the radiator. I walked over to the gentlemen who were working and told them of my situation and that I would have to let my car sit there and cool off and I apologized it was on their property. The 2 guys and the couple were so wonderful about it. I went into the store and bought a coke in a glass bottle and some peanuts (you pour the peanuts into the coke - it's awesome) and bottled cokes have to high fructose devil corn syrup either! I sat outside and talked to the guys for awhile, they were having lunch and offered me a tomato sandwich and helped me kill the time. I sat there and realized that a. I had been strategically placed in that moment. I stopped by the Apple store and got off set at just the right time to be there for that moment. b. The situation with my car was telling me something. My car broke down a few months ago and it took so much money to put back into it. The thing that cost so much was my head gasket had cracked and I had to replace the whole top of the engine. The root of the problem was the radiator. However, I never replaced the radiator, I just kept patching it up and refilling it. (any mechanic reading this is shaking their head disapprovingly, or any guy for that matter!) But this happening today got me thinking about my tongue. My tongue is the head gasket sure it gets me into a lot of trouble and a few times has cost me a great deal in situations and friendships but the true root of the problem here is my heart. I can fix all the other stuff but if I keep patching up what the root of the problem is I'm just gonna have another blow out again. Sure it might not be as expensive and it might be a slow gradual procession that lands me in the mechanic shop with my credit card but it will in the end definitely cost me something. So this is where I begin to assess my heart. What is it in me that is making me want to comment about that girls outfit, be negative about a situation or laugh at that off colour joke or even worse repeat it. It all stems from my need to be accepted. I think as humans we all have this need to be loved and adored by the people around us and if that means letting go and compromising parts of our heart we will. We were created to be loved and adored and that is exactly what our Heavenly Father wants to do. We just have to be open to allowing that love to consume our hearts and fining our identity in His son. That is where my joy comes from. That is where my purpose lies. Not in my car, my iphone or my idea of success but at the cross. I am just now at 26 almost 27 years old beginning to see how much He truly loves us. It is breathtaking. I am constantly being reminded and bowled over by His ability to love me past my fears and failures. Our God is truly an awesome God. He has been teaching me so much lately and I am so blessed to live by grace. I am so excited for the things that He is harvesting in my heart and the places He is taking me. I am so excited about the adventure that God and I will share in these next few months with Israel and the internship in NYC. I have no idea where I will find myself in January but I am certain that it will be closer to His embrace and more in touch with my heart and it's desires.
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger bringing good news, Breaking the news that all's well,
proclaiming good times, announcing salvation, telling Zion, "Your God reigns!" Voices! Listen! Your scouts are shouting, thunderclap shouts, shouting in joyful unison. They see with their own eyes God coming back to Zion. Break into song! Boom it out, ruins of Jerusalem: "God has comforted his people! He's redeemed Jerusalem!" God has rolled up his sleeves.
All the nations can see his holy, muscled arm. Everyone, from one end of the earth to the other, sees him at work, doing his salvation work. THE MESSAGE version
I take these verses to mean so many things but in the area of my tongue I feel that it's not just my drop of the f bomb or my occasional curse word but it is the junk that lies in my heart. The jealousy, the egotism, the insecurities, this list goes on. This is the stuff I truly have to take a look at. I was going to write all of this as I was sitting at Brooklyn Bagel company when my computer battery died. I decided to stop by the Mac store and check on fixing my Iphone and than on back to Hiawassee. I got all the way to the dead end of 400 and then over to where it connects to 129, there is a produce stand I have passed by tons of times, Farmhouse Produce. Their slogan is, Almost famous, No awards yet! I pulled over to check the gmap app to see if there was a shortcut I had never discovered. That is when it happened, my car began steaming. WHAT! I just got through putting a ton of money into this car so that I could pay it off, get out of debt and do the Dave Ramsey no car payment for the next one. I had just been talking to a friend of mine earlier about how I was glad that I had just fixed it instead of buying a new car, seeing as how I'm leaving for Israel in July and NYC in September and would like to either have my car paid off or sold before this change of scenery. Then this happens, at that moment I felt there were two ways to handle this, getting really mad and poor poor pitiful me or I could accept the situation, assess it and deal. After all getting irate or feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to change a thing. So I went with the latter and called my dad explained the situation and decided to wait an hour before I poured water into the radiator. I walked over to the gentlemen who were working and told them of my situation and that I would have to let my car sit there and cool off and I apologized it was on their property. The 2 guys and the couple were so wonderful about it. I went into the store and bought a coke in a glass bottle and some peanuts (you pour the peanuts into the coke - it's awesome) and bottled cokes have to high fructose devil corn syrup either! I sat outside and talked to the guys for awhile, they were having lunch and offered me a tomato sandwich and helped me kill the time. I sat there and realized that a. I had been strategically placed in that moment. I stopped by the Apple store and got off set at just the right time to be there for that moment. b. The situation with my car was telling me something. My car broke down a few months ago and it took so much money to put back into it. The thing that cost so much was my head gasket had cracked and I had to replace the whole top of the engine. The root of the problem was the radiator. However, I never replaced the radiator, I just kept patching it up and refilling it. (any mechanic reading this is shaking their head disapprovingly, or any guy for that matter!) But this happening today got me thinking about my tongue. My tongue is the head gasket sure it gets me into a lot of trouble and a few times has cost me a great deal in situations and friendships but the true root of the problem here is my heart. I can fix all the other stuff but if I keep patching up what the root of the problem is I'm just gonna have another blow out again. Sure it might not be as expensive and it might be a slow gradual procession that lands me in the mechanic shop with my credit card but it will in the end definitely cost me something. So this is where I begin to assess my heart. What is it in me that is making me want to comment about that girls outfit, be negative about a situation or laugh at that off colour joke or even worse repeat it. It all stems from my need to be accepted. I think as humans we all have this need to be loved and adored by the people around us and if that means letting go and compromising parts of our heart we will. We were created to be loved and adored and that is exactly what our Heavenly Father wants to do. We just have to be open to allowing that love to consume our hearts and fining our identity in His son. That is where my joy comes from. That is where my purpose lies. Not in my car, my iphone or my idea of success but at the cross. I am just now at 26 almost 27 years old beginning to see how much He truly loves us. It is breathtaking. I am constantly being reminded and bowled over by His ability to love me past my fears and failures. Our God is truly an awesome God. He has been teaching me so much lately and I am so blessed to live by grace. I am so excited for the things that He is harvesting in my heart and the places He is taking me. I am so excited about the adventure that God and I will share in these next few months with Israel and the internship in NYC. I have no idea where I will find myself in January but I am certain that it will be closer to His embrace and more in touch with my heart and it's desires.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Hallel yah!
A few weeks ago I was asking God why a certain man wasn't able to see how wonderful I was. It wasn't that I wanted him like I had before it was more of confusion on my part. I have finally begun to realize how fantastic this woman that God is creating in me is becoming. I wanted to know why this man couldn't see it. I share my heart with him, what God is doing in my life and my hopes and dreams. I don't share them hoping that he will come around to see my greatness like before but I share because I feel comfortable and we have gotten to a point in the friendship where I feel it is beneficial. We are brother and sister in Christ and I feel we should all be sharing with each other in this way. However, I still wanted to know why he wasn't able to see this. God told me something that I know came from Him. I have never had this thought, it never occurred to me with this man in the past 3 years or with anyone else. God told me: "I don't want him to, I am blinding him." WOW! It was amazing. It has hit me a few times that it's not me and blase blase but this solidified it. With my upcoming Israel trip and opportunity to possibly intern in NYC with Chosen People Ministries it hit me. I wouldn't be doing any of these things because had that man have seen me the way I wanted him to I would be in a completely different situation than now. I have freedom to move as God wants me to. I have the ability to get up and go just as He told Moses. This is exciting. All those times we single people wonder why in the world we have been put in this place? What is wrong with us? Why don't we have someone to love us? Someone to hold us tight at night or caress our faces in the morning sun. This is why. Papa has other plans. I do believe that it will come. I have full faith that He knows when we can't protect our own hearts and therefore He will. I prayed for 2 years with this man that God would protect my heart and I didn't know why I continued to be "heartbroken" over him, why I cried so many tears. I now see. God was protecting my heart by blinding him. God doesn't promise to protect us from all things that will give us heartache but I do believe that if we ask Him He will protect us from things that would pull us out of our niche with Him. I want more than ever to make Him smile. I also want to further his kingdom, return His people to the garden.
God has been speaking to my heart lately and I'm not sure if this is where He wants me or not but I am feeling that He may be calling me to ministry through worship. This is an area I feel not at all qualified for but my heart tells me that may be a good thing. When we don't feel qualified for something all our success points back to Him and I think He LOVES that! I had a friend whom also volunteers at Upstreet tell me a few weeks ago that, "I shine on stage. That is my niche." I gave no thought to what he said at the time, but some other things have happened and I am praying more and more about this. I don't feel like I am a "singer". I don't feel talented enough for this task. I read a Steven Curtis Chapman earlier today that said, "Dare to do something so great it be doomed to failure unless God be in it" This would be a huge dare and definitely doomed to failure based on my own abilities. We will see though. I emailed the leader of eXperience Israel (the trip I will be going on this summer) and he said that there is always a need for worship leaders in Messianic churches. Maybe God is putting all these pieces together and I am seeing it or just maybe it is all for something that hasn't even been shown to me yet. Either way I am so excited to see what it is He is doing and where we are headed!
God has been speaking to my heart lately and I'm not sure if this is where He wants me or not but I am feeling that He may be calling me to ministry through worship. This is an area I feel not at all qualified for but my heart tells me that may be a good thing. When we don't feel qualified for something all our success points back to Him and I think He LOVES that! I had a friend whom also volunteers at Upstreet tell me a few weeks ago that, "I shine on stage. That is my niche." I gave no thought to what he said at the time, but some other things have happened and I am praying more and more about this. I don't feel like I am a "singer". I don't feel talented enough for this task. I read a Steven Curtis Chapman earlier today that said, "Dare to do something so great it be doomed to failure unless God be in it" This would be a huge dare and definitely doomed to failure based on my own abilities. We will see though. I emailed the leader of eXperience Israel (the trip I will be going on this summer) and he said that there is always a need for worship leaders in Messianic churches. Maybe God is putting all these pieces together and I am seeing it or just maybe it is all for something that hasn't even been shown to me yet. Either way I am so excited to see what it is He is doing and where we are headed!
Friday, February 20, 2009
When It Seem as if God Has Forgotten You. . . .
I googled "When it feels God has forgotten you + scripture" I got a few passages in Isaiah, Ezekiel, 1John, Romans and Hebrews as well as my favourite Psalm 13. I continued to cry out to God and read these passages. Before I came downstairs to read and after I sent an email to two of my friends, I prayed that He would just speak to me and tell me something because I felt lost and alone and tired. I know all the promises to Israel that He has fulfilled and continues to keep. What I feel like I didn't know was the promises He has made me. I want to know what to go after, what my heart should want. After I read these passages He began speaking to my heart, he told me to write it down. This is it:
I am creating this woman in you who will be strong and courageous and able to fight temptation. You are mine and I love you more than there are sands on the earth or stars in the sky. You are my chosen one. You stand before me and cry and I hear you, my heart breaks with yours. Find peace in my scriptures and hold fast. I know you are weary and the enemy attacks you but my plans for you outshine all of this. Just as I have kept my promises to Israel I will deliver you. I am not here to tease or ridicule you. You are here to grow in strength for these plans. You will be a butterfly. He has much struggle before he can flourish. Look to me for strength and I will reward you 10x's beyond your hearts desires. Be content with what little I have given you and I will give you multitudes more.
This was monumental to me. Right after God told me this one of my friends replied to the email I had sent. She spoke about pouring myself into things and that as G-d's children we are able to pour ourselves into anything we would like some are beneficial some are not. She told me that if scripture doesn't speak against it we should not feel guilty or ashamed for pouring our lives into it. She told me that if I wanted to pour myself into acting I should and that it's okay, it will be difficult but that is the business. She asked me if I would be okay with not knowing if I could have done it. If I could live with that. I can't. I knew in my heart I couldn't. I know that my work does not define me but I also know that this is the way God has given me passion. I am not a mistake nor is any part of my being. He has a plan a very distinct plan for me and my life. I want only to follow that plan, even if it means only sharing my joys with Him. This is such a short time on earth. Even as I write this my eyes cloud up because I don't want to be alone, but I do want to please my Father. I am so blessed to have amazing friends in my life and have no idea what I would be doing if they were not here. God has placed them where they are for a reason in the exact circumstances of their situation, I believe He has done that for each one of us. His sovereignty doesn't scare me in the sense of debilitating fear but I suppose more in the idea of a healthy fear of the Lord. We are His and He will do as He pleases, no one can say, "what have you done?" (daniel 4:35) I know that right before spring there seems to be nothing going on, because it is all going on underneath the surface but then spring happens and everything blooms. I am so in that dormant phase right now in life and am awaiting the metaphorical spring. I trust that He will provide and that He has plans that far outshine my ideas. Song of Solomon 6:3 says, I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, he browses among the lilies.
Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary explains it as:
3. In speaking of Jesus Christ to others, she regains her own assurance. Literally, "I am for my beloved . for me." Reverse order from So 2:16. She now, after the season of darkness, grounds her convictions on His love towards her, more than on hers towards Him (De 33:3). There, it was the young believer concluding that she was His, from the sensible assurance that He was hers.
I belong to Jesus I have been purchased with the price of the Fathers son and how could I ever be forgotten? The Bible says in Isaiah 49:16 that, Behold, I have graven [tattooed] thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls [hands] are continually before me. In Eastern cultures the way to show your deep love and continual remembrance for someone was to engrave or tattoo their names on your body and to give gifts to people you loved slightly. G-d says that He has engraved our names on his palms a very painful spot as well as a place that is rarely covered by clothing. He can constantly see our names. I also believe that this is significant in the holes in Jesus' hands. My sins are forgotten and I am remembered by the holes in my Savior's hands. The amount of love G-d has for me puts the stars in the sky to shame and the sands of the earth to seem like an hourglass. My human heart still wants the things that my spirit struggles against but to know that I am loved through grace, mercy and limited knowledge of my failures settles my spirit. I have a personal relationship with G-d through the blood of His son and I could not be more remembered because of it
I am creating this woman in you who will be strong and courageous and able to fight temptation. You are mine and I love you more than there are sands on the earth or stars in the sky. You are my chosen one. You stand before me and cry and I hear you, my heart breaks with yours. Find peace in my scriptures and hold fast. I know you are weary and the enemy attacks you but my plans for you outshine all of this. Just as I have kept my promises to Israel I will deliver you. I am not here to tease or ridicule you. You are here to grow in strength for these plans. You will be a butterfly. He has much struggle before he can flourish. Look to me for strength and I will reward you 10x's beyond your hearts desires. Be content with what little I have given you and I will give you multitudes more.
This was monumental to me. Right after God told me this one of my friends replied to the email I had sent. She spoke about pouring myself into things and that as G-d's children we are able to pour ourselves into anything we would like some are beneficial some are not. She told me that if scripture doesn't speak against it we should not feel guilty or ashamed for pouring our lives into it. She told me that if I wanted to pour myself into acting I should and that it's okay, it will be difficult but that is the business. She asked me if I would be okay with not knowing if I could have done it. If I could live with that. I can't. I knew in my heart I couldn't. I know that my work does not define me but I also know that this is the way God has given me passion. I am not a mistake nor is any part of my being. He has a plan a very distinct plan for me and my life. I want only to follow that plan, even if it means only sharing my joys with Him. This is such a short time on earth. Even as I write this my eyes cloud up because I don't want to be alone, but I do want to please my Father. I am so blessed to have amazing friends in my life and have no idea what I would be doing if they were not here. God has placed them where they are for a reason in the exact circumstances of their situation, I believe He has done that for each one of us. His sovereignty doesn't scare me in the sense of debilitating fear but I suppose more in the idea of a healthy fear of the Lord. We are His and He will do as He pleases, no one can say, "what have you done?" (daniel 4:35) I know that right before spring there seems to be nothing going on, because it is all going on underneath the surface but then spring happens and everything blooms. I am so in that dormant phase right now in life and am awaiting the metaphorical spring. I trust that He will provide and that He has plans that far outshine my ideas. Song of Solomon 6:3 says, I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, he browses among the lilies.
Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary explains it as:
3. In speaking of Jesus Christ to others, she regains her own assurance. Literally, "I am for my beloved . for me." Reverse order from So 2:16. She now, after the season of darkness, grounds her convictions on His love towards her, more than on hers towards Him (De 33:3). There, it was the young believer concluding that she was His, from the sensible assurance that He was hers.
I belong to Jesus I have been purchased with the price of the Fathers son and how could I ever be forgotten? The Bible says in Isaiah 49:16 that, Behold, I have graven [tattooed] thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls [hands] are continually before me. In Eastern cultures the way to show your deep love and continual remembrance for someone was to engrave or tattoo their names on your body and to give gifts to people you loved slightly. G-d says that He has engraved our names on his palms a very painful spot as well as a place that is rarely covered by clothing. He can constantly see our names. I also believe that this is significant in the holes in Jesus' hands. My sins are forgotten and I am remembered by the holes in my Savior's hands. The amount of love G-d has for me puts the stars in the sky to shame and the sands of the earth to seem like an hourglass. My human heart still wants the things that my spirit struggles against but to know that I am loved through grace, mercy and limited knowledge of my failures settles my spirit. I have a personal relationship with G-d through the blood of His son and I could not be more remembered because of it
Friday, January 23, 2009
Just when ya thought. . . . .
Before the holidays I went on a date with a boy that I thought was so great. I met him at church, he talked about his heart and everything seemed to line up. Well after a great date this boy never called. Never sent a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year text message. . . nothing. I was bummed. I was definitely not expecting it. A few weeks after the date I sent a text message and he didn't know my number. . bad sign. I again was super bummed. The church I go to began a series called, "Balanced" and it is all about being financially balanced. After the first sermon in the series something clicked in my heart. I am an unbalanced person when it comes to finances. I can't enter a marriage much less a relationship being like this. My priorities are not straight and I don't want to carry that into anything else that I do. Papa wants to use me but I am in financial chains that only allow me to do so much for Him. That week I started Dave Ramsey class and I have begun to assess my debt and am taking the proper avenues to rid myself of the chains. But back to the boy, the other evening I got a series of texts from him. They seemed strange and not really like "him". I was really confused. The guy texting me seemed a little "jerkish". The next day the text messages turned to topics that I am too classy to discuss and jokes that I don't find humourous at all. I was completely dumbfounded by this guy. He seemed SO GREAT! I mean it was one of the best first dates I have EVER been on. I was left really confused. After the last distasteful joke came thru on my phone I picked up the phone and called him. I thought for sure someone else had his phone, there was no way this was the same guy. Well, I was wrong. I was pissed, he stumbled for a few words. It was a short conversation in which I stated to please not send me texts like that, I do not appreciate it and I meant when I said I was classier than that. He apologized and that was that. I'm over the initial aspect of it, but what keeps going through my mind is that I was so blinded by what I wanted to see that I probably overlooked a lot of stuff. The thing that clicked in my heart at that sermon was that I was so incredibly obsessed with getting married, "finding the one". This stuff is important sure, but it's not IT. I decided on that Sunday that I'm not dating for serious relationships or marriage. Dating for me right now has to be all about meeting people and becoming comfortable in these situations. I trust Papa now more than ever. He knows everyone's heart. While I don't think that this boy is a bad person or has a bad heart I know that his heart is not what Papa would have for me. I am so grateful to have a Heavenly Father that is keeping my best in mind when dealing with me. He wants me to progress, to become the woman He imagined when He was designing me. He knows me better than I know myself and he knows the heart of each person I associate with. He knows which friendships are best for me as well as which dating relationships. I am so grateful that He has me here waiting. I am learning to love the waiting place, He is in control here and I am so out of control and I couldn't be happier or more optimistic in resting in that. When life seems uneventful and drab I know that it is all working together for His good.
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