24.5 hours:
Yesterday at 11:00PM I was lying on Lindz’s couch drifting into sleep when it hit me. All these years, I have wondered why in the world I am attracted to older men, why I have a list of bad relationships and why I delight in the idea of everyone wanting me. I always thought that I had the perfect childhood, strong parents and instilled values. But then why did I melt the first time I felt love from a man, why was I not able to see it for what it was. Why did I struggle with giving what wasn’t mine to give in order to receive what was never attainable. How did the twinkle in his eye twist into the idea of him pursuing my soul? I never thought that I had father issues until last night at 11pm. Why was I so quick to redeem my honour and dignity to them? I was as a rabbit who has been shot and is just waiting for the dogs to find her. It must have been so easy, I didn’t even require the right words or the right dinner or date. Acknowledging this is so hard for me, I like to think that I was just trying to find who I was and was seriously misled in that stage of life but I am forced to see it goes further. There was something that the little girl inside of me was desperately missing. When I was growing up later in my teenage years I remember constantly being at odds with my parents, a mother is one thing and quite expectable for a daughter to fight against but a father is different. I wanted so badly for my dad to love me for me. I don’t think I ever noticed this desire. But last night lying on the couch thinking about this I just began to cry and even writing this now I can’t see the screen through my tears. Last night two events from my childhood kept running through my head, I had remembered them my whole life but this time they came into context with the rest of my life. I remembered on the night I decided to quit basketball that amidst my crying and being upset about what had occurred that day at practice the thing my father said to me was,”you know you’ll gain weight.” At the time I probably didn’t think anything of it seeing that I wanted to be the twinkle in my fathers eye. I also remembered another time when my father said I looked “heavy” in an outfit I had on. Truth be told I had gotten heavy after I quit basketball. Through this though I learned that I am only beautiful and accepted if I am thin. This became a huge struggle for me and I have never been able to get as thin as I was during basketball in 10th grade. I have carried this weight around with me as a scar, as a protection. I by no means am fat anymore but I still can’t seem to get off these few extra pounds. Adrian said to me one time that I look at my weight all wrong, I don’t think he had any idea what he was beginning to uncover. I told him one night, “who could ever love me looking like this.” Acknowledging that I said that is so embarrassing because I truly believe that. My father never accepted me for who I was at that moment. I believe that he would rather say I was a drug addict than fat. I have adopted this belief that unless I am perfect on the outside that I am unlovable. This is why I am constantly attracted to older men, they are father figures to me, if they accept me maybe they will fill that hole within me, that acceptance I so crave. I could never tell my father any of this because he doesn’t believe in all that self awareness, therapist mumbo jumbo. But it’s true to me. Whenever anyone speaks about fathers speaking beauty and truth into their daughters, my soul crumbles. I so needed that. I remember my dad telling me in 8th grade that if I continued to act like that no man would ever want to marry me, he thought I was a bitch, a word my dad has used pretty much my whole life to explain my strong willed personality. Writing that just now was one of the hardest,painful realizations. My father would take no responsibility for any of this. I don’t think he realizes, I don’t think most fathers realize the impact they have on their daughters lives. They are the first men we encounter a relationship with. They teach us how to be loved by a man. I don’t know how to be accepted for who I truly am by a man because of this. I have always wondered why I picked unavailable men and now I know, I am terrified of someone seeing who I really am and then realizing not only am I not perfect but I’m too much. I always new this but now I know why. I wish so badly that I could show my father that I am a vulnerable little girl that is damaged because of his weakness. This of course is not all his fault but I feel that I am responding to what I have learned. I wish my dad even knew who I really was, what makes me happy, what breaks my heart, what makes me passionate, what makes me laugh uncontrollably, what my true self is. I don’t know that this will ever be possible but I am learning that God thinks I am wonderful just as I am. He loves me when I am least desirable and when I am at my best. He sees my soul, he revels in me. He is forever proud of me, he loves watching me perform on stage, he loves listening to me cry out my hearts desires and wounds. God is strong when every man in my life is weak. God can heal my heart and give me what I lack, that has become my prayer. He is good all the time, He has stolen my heart and gives me my joy. He accepts me for who I am right at this moment. All I can do is pray that God will heal my heart and give strength and joy to my dad. I urge every man who has a daughter to tell her everyday how wonderful she is just as she is. That he loves her for who she is right now. That she has worth. Dads, you have no idea the impacts you have on your little girls lives.
