Change of Attitude

Well, I’m back. When I first returned I was so incredibly depressed. My poor mama tried everything to cheer me up. I know that she was so glad to see me but I was just not glad to be back in the states AT ALL! Every time I went to talk about my trip my eyes shined and my heart leaped. I was like a mother talking about her first child sure everyone around her is happy and excited with her but it’s not the same excitement that she shares with the birth of her first child. My poor friends in Israel know this to be true, I called them countless times just to have a piece of that excitement still with me here in the states. People who have had children know this they are so excited about their child that they send pictures and emails and talk about the things their child is doing with such great joy. Those of us without children don’t share in that same level of excitement. That being said when I talk to you, whoever you may be and you ask about my trip. I will probably glaze over and talk as long as you let me about it but I will never be able to convey the emotions and the changes that happened within my heart. So I have learned to turn on my filter.
I started that trip out feeling incredibly inadequate. I have returned feeling like a beautiful woman of God. I am leaps and bounds closer to becoming the woman that God has given me visions of all along. I have been needing an attitude adjustment since I returned. I asked God for the pressure cooker and He has delivered. Every now and then the steam that comes off is overwhelming. Sometimes the steam makes it so hard to see the situation at hand. The reality of the situation not the clouded view. A mentor of mine gave me a sermon to listen to entitled, “A Change of Attitude”. I half listened to it the first time around and found so much anger welling up in me. It wasn’t my fault life just wasn’t fair. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I wasn’t with the people I wanted to be with. I don’t have the things in life that are the desires of my heart. People have said things to me like you have your health and this and that and it could be a lot worse. I don’t like to play that game because if we are not supposed to compare on the greater side of life than we shouldn’t compare on the lesser either. And you know what life is never going to seem fair. There is always someone with more talent, better looks and an “easier” life than you. I think that instead of crying to God about how we don’t have the things we want we should be crying to God for the peace that passes all understanding.
My family is always going to have it’s quirks, people are always going to disappoint me, there will always be things I don’t understand. The goal is to find peace amidst all of this bolygon (chaos). I believe that Yeshua offers a peace that is constant even when my situations are not. I can either choose to accept His peace or I can reject it and complain about how life is not fair. I am so grateful that Yeshua didn’t complain about how unfair life was that He had to die for my sins, even for my ungratefulness how’s that for irony. Instead he pushed through His suffering, accepted His cup and looked to God for His strength. How much more of an example could we ask for. I believe that life will probably never seem fair. There will be moments in life where things seem to just “fit”. However, I believe that most of this journey on earth is a challenge. Some parts are even just plain low grade suffering. I think this is okay.
I am so grateful that when God wants us to get something He inundates us with it. Lately God has really been wanting me to learn how to “choose happiness”. Rabbi Ben told me this while I was in Israel. I have found that usually when someone says something to me and it wells up a ton of resentment and anger in me it is probably just what I needed to hear. Another mentor gave me that sermon to listen to about changing my attitude. By the 3rd time of listening to it I was finally able to get it. The pastor talked about the Israelites in the Exodus. It took them 40 years to get out of the desert but a lifetime to get the desert out of them. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to question God in His decisions. I want to be a willing vessel. He talked about taking the fight out of our sacrifice. I have a hard time, I’m a fighter. I have had to fight for a lot of things in my life. I wonder now looking back how much I actually would have had to fight for if I would have just relaxed and rested in God’s timing.
When it comes to God’s timing I have a hard time accepting that “not right now” doesn’t mean “not ever”. I am a motivated, driven person. When I want something I will go after it and I will fight for it. My career in theatre and film was a huge fight for me. I was constantly fighting for something that I believe now God may have never had a hand in. I think it’s fine for us to put our feelers out into many things. I don’t think it’s right when we fight to force things to happen. The pastor was talking about a little girl who was told to put her toys away and when the babysitters finally made her put them away she said, “I’m putting them away, but I’m putting them away rough.” I do most everything rough with God. I think he created me to be a fighter and I am grateful for this. I am a strong and resilient young lady. However, I think that God sometimes wants to teach us things and bless us and we put up a fight. Those of you with children realize this. You may have something great planned for them but if they won’t put away their toys you can’t bless them with it. If they eat the popsicle now they won’t be hungry for their favourite dinner you have prepared. I believe most of us are 4 year olds when it comes to dealing with God in matters of our hearts. We want to hold on to our blankies when God is standing there quietly with a newer, less smelly one waiting patiently for us to hand it over. God doesn’t play tug of war with us. I feel in the midst of this exchange. I have given him the blankie but continue to find temporary blankies of comfort until I am ready. But I have to go through this temporary uncomfortableness to get ready. We are always finding temporary blankies. We are wired to do this, it’s natural. Perhaps your blankie is a hobby, a career, a substance or a relationship. Our blankies are the things that we can delve into and find solace in albeit temporary.
I was feeling very much like God was giving me these things and then ripping them out of my hands. I have to question my theology when I think that way. God has never worked like that in my past or in the scriptures. God may very well be giving me these things my heart is desiring but maybe just maybe I’m not ready for them. Does this mean I’m always going to be happy and excited about seeing something I want and then having it temporarily taken away from me and out of my control to get back? No! Of course not! What it does mean though is that I will continue to lean onto God so hard that I must be bruising Him. He is my only constant in life and He is drilling that into my heart right now. He is giving me the skill set required for the life He has planned out for me. I believe this is what He wants for me to learn to trust Him even when life says I should be running away and fighting on my own.
I would like to thank the people who mentor me for being real with me. For putting up with me when I seem so far gone. And for giving me “real spiritual food”.
God has already shown me that His plans are better than my own. What in us fights against that and causes us to hold on to the old stinky blanket? I have to trust that God did not show me this country, this life only to tease me with it and make me miserable. That is not the God I read about in the scriptures. Instead I will lean into Him and trust that He will make a way much smoother than the ambush, machete wielding attack my heart wants to make.
May you trust that God is already clearing a path through your life and your heart to get you where He wants you. May you be given God’s eyes to see the situation you are in and may you experience a change of attitude and learn to lose the roughness in your cleanup. May you give up the stinky blanket if only to be blanketless for a few moments in order to receive the incredible blessings our Papa wants to bestow on you.